Day 10 Talking about emotions

I write this thread because I thing I need some advice here.

I never talk about my emotions to anyone, especially to my mother. I feel resentful toward her because I hold her responsible for not protecting me from the school and family bullying I suffered. I feel also resentful for the enormous amount of pressure she put on me about getting good grades at school. Everything else was meaningless, including friends of sports. Which I regret so much today because those are the things that make you believe in yourself. But because she is (still nowadays) so fragile and unstable I never tried to say anything because I was really afraid that she would kill herself. And even if I am mad at her for this she is my mother and I love her.

With her I didn't have the right to be unhappy (or at least to show it) or it would also kill her. So I spent my entire life pretending, anxious to see if the rare occasions in which my wrath stood up a little would kill her or not. How many times, waiting in the car while she had gone to some store, did I imagine that she had jumped over the closest bridge, leaving me waiting ? I spent my childhood with anxiety, fear, anger and then the sadness of living someone else's life.

So my question is this : to what point do we have to sacrifice to protect others ? Where should the culpability and our responsibility stop ?

 

I think this would be an excellent question to submit to Ask-A-Therapist.

http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/forums/ask-a-tms-therapist.47/

 

artetvif, I agree with Ellen that you should ask a TMS therapist at that subforum.

I also think it would help you with your relationship with your mother, both past and present as
well as future, to try to discover why she put so much pressure on you to succeed. Usually that's
an indication that she didn't achieve what she hoped to, and pressures you to do better.

Fathers and mothers who do not become the professional athletes they wished they would be often pressure
their sons or daughters to achieve in sport what they did not.

I wonder what made your mother pressure you to succeed. If you learn that,
the better understanding could lead you to a better relationship and help you both.

Probably, don't talk to her about this. Ask others and you may learn the answers.