still reading the pain recovery program and got to Day 11

Where I watched the video of libby doing somatic tracking, and tried to do it on my own anxiety symptoms, unfortunately (?) this took me back to an incident on board ship. on the last voyage from NEW Zealand back to England, when I had a severe throat infection and had to swallow the most disgusting thick white syrup, antibiotic, I presume, which made my stomach feel as it does now, because of my anxiety, and my breathing mimics the roll of the ship. I am hoping that this journaling might help it to go... I was feeling so sick, weak and cold because I had to get out into the fresh air, and so my mother had left me wrapped up in a deckchair, under a stairway, to try and keep me out of the wind. but somebody swilled down the stair, drenching me with cold water...I cannot remember any more, but now I can feel the shock of it on my 9 yr old little body, together with the fact that there was never any comforting from my parents.

i hate my parents, why were they NEVER there for me? but i can't feel angry, i just feel sick...so how can i EVER soothe myself?

 

Hello...there's is a lot to unpack in your post (as there often is when you start digging into emotions). Why can't you feel angry? Are you saying you don't want to allow yourself to feel angry, or when thinking about these memories you literally are overwhelmed with feeling sick and nothing else? Stuff like this can definitely be part of the root cause behind symptoms like anxiety. I know it's not fun to deal with, but it is helpful if you can allow yourself to feel emotions you tried to bury in the past.

 

I suppose it is because I don't really "hate my parents", I have developed forgiveness for them in the last few months...

 

@nowa You may be right that you have forgiven your parents, but keep in mind that sometimes thoughts like to hide (as sickness, for example). In my experience, complete forgiveness is a layered process—only time can tell how genuine it is, especially if the offense cuts deep. Whenever I am sick or experiencing physical pain, I remind myself that some strong emotion is likely at the root. The purpose of TMS is to distract from subconscious emotions — as long as you are convinced emotions are not to blame the strategy is working to perfection.

 

Indeed, the competing feelings can exist simultaneously. We can "hate" someone one moment and remember why we love them the next. If you do still feel crazy mad anger at your parents, don't run away from it. Don't feel bad if the feeling is still there despite lots of progress towards forgiveness. The subconscious does not seem to get over things very quickly. Months later I still come back to some of the issues I journaled about that I thought I had found closure on, yet they still bother me sometimes.

Long story short, it's awesome if you can consciously put yourself in a state of forgiveness. Even so, you may still feel lots of anger at times and that's okay. I think of the positive feelings like forgiveness as a counterweight to the really negative stuff. They are there to balance the difficult emotions, not bury, hide, or defeat them.

 

Thanks Benjiro for your wise words, I’m going to pin them somewhere in plain sight to remind me to always look for the emotions beneath the symptoms.

 

Thsnk you benjiro and ssx, I wish I could find the emotions, and i will keep on trying...

 

Whew, great stuff from @ssxl4000 and @Benjiro . Forgiveness is a tricky one! The best thing I remember coming across is this: you might be able to forgive the person: for being imperfect, for doing the best they could, or perhaps for being so f'-ed up by their own upbringing that they really had no ability to do better - BUT! You do NOT need to forgive their behavior.

What happened to you as a child should not have happened. You had pathetic and ineffective parents. Perhaps you can truly forgive them that, but you don't ever have to say that what happened to you was okay. What happened was unacceptable.

HOWEVER! I'm thinking that it's time for you to ask yourself how much longer you can afford to be a victim of what happened to you? Because I can truly say that I've never seen healing as long as victimhood is obviously still an issue.

 

I don't know how to relinquish the victim mode...

 

You have to figure out why your fearful brain thinks that hanging on to it has value. And then call bullshit on it. I don't think it's going to be easy for you, nowa - I sense that you're very attached to your victimhood, but I also believe that it may be the biggest thing, if not THE thing, that is sabotaging you every time you make progress. From your descriptions of your parents, they probably suffered from it as well, so there you are - you've never known anything else. Mind you - you can't just let go of such an important lifelong personality trait unless you have something to replace it with. I imagine that therapy is indicated.

 

i think that it is the possible diagnoses of Parkinson's that is sabotaging my progress.

 

Yes nowa, if you mean fear of Parkinson's, I can see how that might effect you. Being afraid of anything never helps. Sending you the hope for awareness, and kindness to yourself, and as much as you can, hoping you find ways to deal directly with the fear. Move your mind to other things, sensory input, enjoyment, writing down positive memories, remembering yourself as powerful or free. We have all had some of these good experiences. Fear is a big powerful trap. It takes practice to develop strength in the face of fear.

Your tenacity in engaging the TMS work is part of your strength, in my opinion. I also agree with Jan that psychotherapy is a great support. You can work the program and bring your emotional responses to a professional if you want. Many have worked their TMS process this way.

 

i have just had another experience that has reawakened my fear of parkinson's and my fear has gone up by 200% and it is so long since i felt powerful and free, if i ever did, and I have hardly any positive memories (at the moment), but I will try!