Spilling my guts.....Part 2 of 'Flaring up Real bad'

What a terrible title. If it wasn't for listening to the 'shame and guilt' video last night that Leslie posted, I would have never got the guts up to tell you more of my story. But I am so desperate for help that I'm willing to give up my pride and if someone would listen to it - maybe I can get the help that I need. I need to explain a little more of my story to see if someone on this forum can help me. I know this is a bit long (I promise to make them much shorter after I get all this junk out of me) and I thank you in advance for taking the time to read it. I hope this is not 'too much information'......

The sciatica pain is so incredible excruciating that I have been in tears for the past 2 weeks. Of course, I had to hear someone mention 'hip cancer' on the radio this morning and the fear went surging through my body. chickenbone just said on another post that if the pain is moving around, that's a good sign that it's TMS. Well it's not moving at all. It's getting worse. Am I am 'moving', walking, and trying to ignore the pain. I am reading Steve's book. I am journaling. But I'm scared this morning. The sciatica started with just an aching feeling about 2 months ago. Now, it has graduated up to excruciating pain that I can barley walk. If one of you would please take the time to read this last 5 years of my life that I want to tell you about and give me your honest opinion because I am sooooo confused this morning.

I met my husband 8 years ago when I still was taking in boarders to make it here at the old house. I told him I did not want to get married and that if he was looking for that, to go elsewhere. I wanted to be as honest with him as I could. But I also told him how I loved companionship and was ready to have a relationship with someone. He was a lovely man.

The church that I was going to at the time was Pentecostal. I had belonged to the Pentecostal church for many, many, years. So it was the perfect fundamentalist church for a 'goodest' because you are supposed to work towards being 'perfect' as god is 'perfect'. I was already leaving the church behind (In my mind) because I knew deep down inside that the doctrine was wrong. (for me anyway) But, I got him involved anyway.....They talked us into getting married because we would get more 'favor' from god......

After we were married, I finally left the church once and for all, never to go back. I am now agnostic and that is very hard, but freeing to admit. I am OK now to be a 'non-believer. Some people's faith 'grows' stronger through trials and tribulations, but my faith died completely...never to return. This issue alone, does not go over good with people. How dare I question the god of the universe?? So, I don't talk about it, nor do I push my unbelief on anyone. (and I won't here either) I keep it to myself because I know that 90% of the world believes in whatever religion and god they were brought up with. This loss of faith in god has been a huge loss for me, but I have dealt with it. I spent 2 years in therapy for this alone.

The first 2 years of our marriage ended up a disaster. Nobody knows this. I don't want to talk about it right now, but let's just say that I found out some stuff about my new husband and I wasn't happy. We have worked our way through this for the last couple of years and have decided to wipe the slate clean and start all over. But it's been hard. That's where I'm at in my relationship. I am just only now starting to even forgive him..... He is doing everything in his power to be a good support to me right now and I appreciate it.

I also have been a very burnt out hairdresser for the last 5 years (been doing it for 40 years, this year) and my dream was to get rid of allllllllllllllll the people in my life and not have to work. I have been in business for myself for many, many years and I want to get out (This is where I asked Steve on another post the other day if I could have brought on that car accident that I had 2 years ago??)

Long story shortened....I developed pain in the lower back from the accident which allowed me to get rid of half my clientele. I think I was happy about it. But, now we have brought my husbands dear mother to live here and I am more busy that ever. Part time hairdresser and part time nurse.

I now have the financial resources to quit work and look after her completely for a year until we put her in a nursing home. I think I wouldn’t mind doing this. Looking after her wouldn't be so bad...at least life would be 'quiet' for a chance. But it does drive me crazy having someone in my house 24/7. I am learning how to deal with this...I think????

Maybe I hesitate saying goodbye to my clients because that would be saying goodbye to my whole life and carreer as a hairstylist? I was once a very successful hairdresser and even won a gold medal for our province for hair cutting and styling. I want to get out now. I have the opportunity to get out and I’m all confused. Maybe, I will choose to keep a few clients on? (That’s what I’m thinking) . But I tell you in this little town, when one finds out I’m doing the other person’s hair - they confront me right in the malls and they are mad. They want to know why I let them go?!!! If I decide to keep some on, I need to find a way to explain why I have let go of some and not others. These darn woman want an explanation. Now, some of you will say that I don't owe them any explanation, but I feel as if I do. Some of these woman I have been doing their hair for well over 25 years. I have become ‘best friends’ with all my clients and this is what has created this problem. I know I have been successful in this business because of my wonderful, cursed ‘people pleasing’ abilities.

Also, the insurance company wants me to continue with all the physical therapy or I won’t get their little’ benefit’ of money. Do you see the trap I’m caught in? I have so many decisions to make and I don’t know where to start. I am supposed to return to work next week (my salon is in my home) and my husband wants me to start calling people today and telling them that I am taking off a few months. I feel like a million people have their hands around my throat and I can’t get them away from me. Hence the diagnosis of ‘Vicarious Trauma’. Deep inside me....I hate everything and can’t admit it out loud. I also lost my 2 life long best friends in the last 3 years and I can't even cry at there deaths. It's like I've stopped 'feeling'. I'm not looking for anyone to fix me...just maybe some suggestions on how to sort this all out.

I wish the world would go away and leave me alone. I’ll probably be embarrassed after I post this crazy topic this morning.

Somebody, please help...I don’t know if I should even mention this sciatica problem when I do see my doctors’ next week?

For the first time in my life - I am facing the fact that I am 'not well' right now......

Oh god.. I am a mess.....Has anyone got any thoughts on all of this?

Thanks , Karen

 

As others have noted on your Part 1 of this thread, you have had to deal with so much more than the average person. It is no wonder your symptoms are so extreme. I too have experienced the pain of sciatica and know what you mean by it starting out as a dull ache and building to a crescendo of heart stopping pain. Now when I feel a twinge I immediately focus on the psychological stuff and do anything I can to soothe myself so I don't work myself up with fear. The fear is what is ramping up your pain. It comes from listening to radio programmes about hip cancer and such like. Listen to music instead.

I can't advise you on how to sort all this out. However I wanted to mention that I know of at least two hairdressers who you remind me of. One is the hairdresser my mother goes to. She had a salon up the street from our house but had some business problems and sold out. She has had a number of personal issues and tragedies and no surprises she has suffered with a back condition. If I'm not mistaken she's had surgery. Now she has a selection of former customers - the ones who gave her the least bother - come to her house and have their hair done in her basement. Her second husband has set up a little "salon" for her there. The other person is the mother of my daughter's ex-BF. She's had a rough ride too including a physically abusive first husband and a second husband who is a little bit too financially dependent on her. Her elder son has recently gone off the rails, mixing with unsavoury characters and dabbling in some heavy duty drugs. Only in her late 40's, she was recently rushed to hospital with a suspected heart attack but checked out fine. I suspect it was an anxiety attack. Since then she's had other physical problems, MRI scans, injections etc. The latest is they think she has rheumatoid arthritis.

Have you looked at the youtube videos of Gabor Mate's lectures? He talks about people who can't say 'no', carers specifically, and what the inability to voice this word does to one's body. Riveting stuff. You have been a carer, Karen, for your sister's kids, now for your MIL and all those years 'caring' for your clients by pampering them with hair treatments and listening to all their problems. It's time you said "NO" to a good many of them. It is time you started to care for yourself.

A friend of mine told me about someone she knows who is in her 70's. This woman suffered from ME/CFS for decades but despite it she was always doing something for someone else. Recently she has started a homeopathic program of treatment. My friend happened to mention that this woman has also started to say 'no' to people. Suddenly she is so much better. My friend remarked what wonders the homeopath was doing. I pointed out quite firmly that in my opinion this woman's recovery had probably had little to do with the homeopath. She felt restored of energy because she had learned the value of the word 'no'. And not before time.

 

Karen, you have many of the checkmarks for TMS. The longer people ramble on the more it helps me pinpoint certain TMS causes. It's also good to let it all hang out.

This caught my eye <<I hate everything and can’t admit it out loud. I also lost my 2 life long best friends in the last 3 years and I can't even cry at there deaths. It's like I've stopped 'feeling'.>>
I remember a great lady from 10 years ago I met through TMS. She had been to, if I remember right, 2o some funerals when her pain began. Dr. Sopher sent her to grief counseling and she began to heal. When we are hurting, the brain shuts down all the emotions to prevent more emotion-less pain. We become robotic. I spent time writing about alexythemia because of this. pages 69-70. If we shut down one emotion it can ablate all emotions. And we know that TMS comes from repressed emotions.

One of the basic tenets of Ayurvedic healing is that people get sick and pained because they can't show their true faces. This is exactly what I see with TMS. Due to superego we can't show our deepest feelings, so they get buried in the body. But they won't go away. As Dr. Sarno said, "the brain will NOT be denied!" If your deeper self needs to complain, it will, whether your mouth is shut or not. The body keeps talking.

The TMS is expressing what you yourself cannot, due to emotions that are "too powerful, too threatening, or too sad." Those words came from Dr. Sarno. And from my own experience I realized my pain was my body talking where I couldn't, or didn't know how to express the deep resentment and frustration, leading to anger. I called it The Big Four Emotions: anger, resentment, sorrow and fear. Karen you have all 4 happening in you now.

TMS made me realize more about God, I hope you didn't let an organization divide you between truth and life. Organizations tend to corrupt truth because people and egos are involved. Where interest lies, honor dies. But having said that, I've worked with agnostics in the past and they healed too. You don't have to believe in truth to heal but it sure helps. In light there is no darkness.

You can intellectually stop feeling but you can't physically stop it. Your brain will lie to you but your body doesn't know how to lie. Dr. Sarno called it the divided mind but I see it is a battle between the head and the heart. The head is a liar, but the heart is pure. The heart only lives for today, in the moment, the head won't let go of the past. The head will lie and distort to get what it wants. The heart is ready each day to live, forgive, and be free. If the heart is hardened it's because the head has made it so. The heart is pure and loving, the head cynical and protective of the heart to prevent further emotional pain. They work together to divide the person. When the head is conflicted the heart pays the price. Follow your heart.

Dr. Sarno and Dr. Sopher told me that in their experience sciatica was always TMS. They hadn't seen everything, but they had seen a lot.

I personally believe you had the car wreck to get rid of some clients. Georg Groddeck felt the same way (not about you). He was one of the greatest healers of all time, Freud idolized his genius and stole the term id from Groddeck, but Freud later gave Groddeck credit in The Ego and the Id. Groddeck would ask his patients, "why did you feel the need to fall down the stairs to break your leg? Why did you need to see me?" He saw many he felt had hurt themselves for unconscious reasons, quite a few he felt for the painkillers.

What you can't admit out loud is now controlling your life. You have to begin the painful catharsis of admittance that you're not happy. Your heart and your head are at war, and the only peacemaker is the truth. Seek and ye shall find, and it shall set you free.

Find a good counselor if you have to. But begin letting your pain go. Your pain doesn't let go of you, you let go of it.

Steve

 

As you intimate, Steve, unconscious intentionality is a very powerful force in human affairs, but is likewise very difficult to quantify and subject to peer-review and double-blind scientific analysis. Not that it doesn't exist though.

 

Oh my goodness yb, thank you so much for the encouragement that you have given me. I really appreciate it. I just watched '' Dr. Gabor Maté: ''How stress can cause disease.'' He is fantastic!! Now I want to watch all his you tubes!! I took some really positive steps today and that was before I even watched Dr. Gabor Maté and how to say 'no'. I feel as if some of the steam has been released today. I hope I am on my way. I really do want to live again. I don't know how much time I have on this earth, but I want to really live again!!

You guys are awesome............. Thanks so much for reading that long post!

Karen

 

Steve, the more I read your book....the more grateful I am to you that you used the terrible experiences that you went through to help people like me. It is a thrill to have you respond to me like this. I feel like I know someone famous!!! I do understand that you have written a very great book because of the tragic circumstances in your own life and I wanted to validate that.

I read every word you said above very carefully and you are completely hitting the nail on the head for me.

Today, I took some very positive steps (I think the anger fueled me??) and made some phone calls. You know, it felt quite good to say that I was retiring for awhile. I told them I was taking a sabbatical. It wasn't as bad as I thought. I was so busy today reading your book, making important phone calls and watching great 'you tubes' that we're recommended here on the site that the pain almost completely subsided. Tonight again, I feel more peaceful.

I am reading your book waaaaay too fast and I know that. I want it all right now!! I know I need to slow down and I promise you I will. I will take the time to re-read your book. I went back to page 69-70 today. I want to study this book!! I also want to learn more about this ego stuff, cause I know I got it!!! (I don't quite understand it right now, but I'll learn!)

I will not ramble tonight. I promised 'shorter' posts, so I'll be a nice girl and won't gab your ear off ......

You are wonderful.....thank you soooooo much for taking the time out in your busy day for humanity. It is a great work you are doing. Fantastic!

Karen

 

I am so excited to report that my pain just took a nice 'shift' in the same leg that the sciatica is bothering me. The whole leg from the knee right down to the foot went completely numb with tons of pins and needles!!! Can you imagine that someone would be excited over this??? Well I am tonight.............

I know that's the beginning!

 

I don't have to imagine being excited over that Karen! The day my neck/should pain subsided and my knee started "aching" upon getting out of bed I literally jumped for joy - the knee didn't seem to thrilled with the idea but I told it to take it out on the sub-conscious!

Incidentally, Steve did mention in another post about his book that the average read time was 3 months. I am very guilty of "speed reading", especially when I'm excited about what I'm reading - that "tendency" is exactly what has kept me from starting his book (I bought it almost 2 weeks ago). When I start it I plan to take a whole new approach, to read only a few pages each day, really think about what I'm reading and take lots of notes. I can't help but wonder if I might be further along in my own journey now if I had taken more time with each of the books I've already read and really made an attempt to apply what I had learned before anxiously diving into another one to see "what else" I could learn. When you get to the last page of that book go back to page one!

 

I think what you're talking about, Leslie, is part of the TMS personality and its tendency to make everything into a "big project" to tick off and move on from in a very programmatic way. I know I've been guilty of exactly what you're talking about with Sarno's volumes, reading them as if the very act of getting through them as quickly as possible would contribute to my healing. Left me with a very good detached theoretical knowledge of the characteristics of TMS! However, now I go back and read certain section of HBP and absorb much more information that I can apply to my own case on a much deeper level.

 

Yesterday, the pain was completely bearable but I suffered with a huge headache!! I was grateful for the headache!! I also spent the day on the phone calling customers to tell them that I would be taking a years' sabbatical. I kept a few so I could go on a nice trip next year...... The workload in the house will now be cut down well over 50% and I am celebrating. This morning the sciatica nerve is tolerable and no headache!! I am sooooo pleased. I will have to get used of the feeling that I need to 'rush' to get everything done. I still feel the 'type A' behavior pulsing through my whole body system.

I am really tired of punishing my body to work.......

Thank you so much for all your support in the last few days!

 

Karen!
I read the progression of posts with a smile, as I saw you becoming more sure and confident as you continued to read Steve's book. (It was a great help to me, too. Plus his sense of humour made me smile).

The other thing I was thinking of as I read your post was that hairdressers tend to hear a lot of their clients' problems, no? Especially in a small town, it seems like you could have become (perhaps unconsciously) burdened by the expectation that you will listen to, if not solve, their troubles. Add that to the caregiver role you have assumed with your mother-in-law and it seems to make sense that you could develop TMS symptoms. It's a lot to take on!

Anyway, you have someone in Canada thinking of you! Keep posting and let us know how things go.

 

Like Friendlyga12, I too read over the sequence of replies in this string, and was of course impressed with your rising confidence level as you read Steve O's book. However, I was struck by your reference to the "old" house. Was this by any chance the family home? I know that almost from the moment I inherited my late mother's house in July 2001 that I started having sciatic pain. I know that there are a lot of emotional "triggers" in my "old house" due to all the emotional upheavals that took place here between my parents and my parents and myself. Could that be true for yourself too? A 'rite of passage' like turning 65 could, it seems to me, reignite a lot of the latent emotional content resident in an "old house"!

 

Thanks Friendlygal and Bruce! Yes in the original post I told the story of how I bought this house because of my sisters death. it has brought me nothing but trouble for a long time. Now, don't get me wrong - there were some good times in between the bad. I am now 3/4 retired and have already started to fix it up, either for me to stay for awhile or to get it ready to sell. I haven't made my mind up just yet.

And yes, I have listened to woman's and men's problems for 40 years as a hairdresser. It was good to do one client today!! A small lottery win and I could fully retire!!!
But not just yet....... Oh well, I'm grateful to have more time for me right now.

thank you my friends!!

 

One good report I would like to give tonight is the sciatica pain has minimized greatly in the past couple of days, and the pain has shifted again today. I couldn't move my neck all day!!! But I am happy that the pain is moving. I was afraid it wouldn't....so I'm celebrating the neck pain tonight!!

 

Karen I understand the pain party you are having. After having all my "normal" pain yesterday I only have one spot in my upper back which could Not be from a disc in my lower back. I also woke up to a headache and extreme anxiety. I have to believe that this is progress. Didn't feel like progress when the anxiety was at its peak but now I see it for what it is.

Thanks for sharing your story. That was very brave.