Some things just stay with you.

My first week at school (5yrs old) was quite a shock to me.
Lack of freedom... Only using the loo during break times.
It seemed almost like the army.
One afternoon during lessons I was desperate for a pee as was my friend.. but it was refused and we were both told to hold it.
Well that was impossible.. so...out of desperation.. we both peed under the table whilst working (easy as we were wearing shorts)
I was horrified to have been put in that position... and we got away with it..

Some weeks after this we were eating lunch in the hall.
The teacher noticed for some reason that I had not finished the complete meal as I had left a pile of awful sloppy boiled carrots.
"If you want to leave here boy you have to eat the carrots" she bellowed.

My stomach churned...OMG yes she was glaring at me.
I told her I could not eat them... the smell made me nauseous... and I dont ever eat them.
She wasnt interested and yelled at me to EATTTTTTTTTT.
I was in a real panic as I had the rest of the room as an audience as I tried to swallow the food.... more more..finish them all.... She was persistant.
As I tried hard to swallow........ the meal came upppppppp.... all over the floor...and over her shoes.

Boy was she mad..... and I was about ready to pass out with fear and embarrasment.

I dont remember anything else about that incident but........ now at 59 I still struggle to eat in a restaurant.... and the clank of plates and cutlery makes me so nauseous... even after a lifetime almost.

 

My heart breaks for the 5-year-old Leo - and all the children tortured by so-called teachers like this one. I'm sure you know intellectually that this person was emotionally ill, and had no business being in a position of influence over 5-year-olds - and she probably had a perfectly miserable life, as well (not that we would wish that on her, of course).

But I wonder if you have ever forgiven yourself for what happened? Just asking...

As I type this, I have You-Tube up in another tab, and I'm listening to some of your great music! You have a wonderful voice, and your original songs are terrific - so far, I especially like So Many Things. Uh oh, wait - Different Blue is really good, too... plus good covers (we're about the same age, so of course the Beatles are part of my musical heritage)

Anyway, welcome to our community, Leonardo - and keep up the good work!

Jan

 

Hello Jan
Thanks for the reply......... and the helpful comments.
Its so weird that its only reecntly and from looking at this site..that Ive realised just how certain incidents can shape the way we are and who we become... without realising it is happening. Yes I realise I need to forgive and also to forgive myself for being taken in and unwittingly following someone elses belief..instead of my own natural reality.

This stuff happened so many times I really feel that the real me got burried along the way. Ive never felt complete...or worthy... always embarrassed by being me.
The song writing helped me to somehow compete in the world..it gave me a box to stand on for a few minutes..... then it was all over till the next song. I have been using my song writing as another place to be..... where I control the words and the subject...and how it sounds.
The more I look.. the more I realise the tangle of physical and mental pains...... but Im glad Im starting to dig to find the missing pieces.

Glad you liked the songs..... they have kept me partly sane anyways :*) there are many more on the page that are hidden at the moment.

Best regards and thanks
Leo

 

Hi Leo

I don't think I would have found your music had it not been for Jan's mention above. I guess I need to start paying more attention to people's profiles. I listened to the two songs noted above. Different Blue made me feel quite emotional.

 

Hello yb44
Thanks for the message.
Different Blue was written a few years back and came out of emotions rather than a story.
Its a feeling more than anything. Iwas very low and lost at the time and it came out of nowhere really..as the words fell into place quite easily... and thats not generally the case. I tend to notice a lot about my surroundings at those times... and that was useful too.

Best regards.... Leooooooooo

 

oh and the Different Blue phrase was just that I seem to see things in a different way.... different viewpoint...... :*)