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Day 9 Self-Criticism

Discussion in 'Structured Educational Program' started by cindy, Apr 26, 2013.

  1. cindy

    cindy New Member

    Have you been overly critical of yourself lately? How and why have you done this?
    I think the question is 'when am i not overly critical of myself'? I had a ridiculous moment of clarity recently, when thinking about the recent successes of my peers that I'm not sharing in, that I don't give myself enough credit for the things that I have accomplished. I'm definitely a 'glass half-empty' person by default, and I find the inability to acknowledge any successes in light of all the things I failed to do, to be a pretty pervasive tendency in my life. I think this behavior stems from a further tendency to constantly compare myself to others - specifically the people who are doing better than me.

    I have done a lot for someone my age. But surrounding myself with driven and talented people means that I've also surrounded myself with people who have done everything that I have and then some. I just can't stand not coming out on top, and that's because I always did as a child. Stuck out like a sore thumb. It was a bone of contention socially, but I think I've always derived a lot of my self-worth from my ability to just 'crush' anything I do with a facility and ease that most people lack. It's afforded me a lot of opportunities, but those opportunities by nature surround me with people who are my equals and superiors. It was like, I couldn't derive much self worth at home, where I was ignored and lost in the mix of everybody else's problems, but standing out and outshining my peers was a way to get positive attention. So if I don't stand out, I get mad/upset/frustrated/jealous/resentful. This manifests itself in self-criticism because I don't want to admit these feelings to myself. That vicious cycle has led to the pain that has paralyzed me and amplified this vicious cycle, because up until recently, i felt totally worthless because I simply couldn't do anything. Ugh, so complicated.

    And then, even when I am well, I have this strange resistant attitude toward even the work I love and enjoy. I am a horrible procrastinator. The resistance is strong. It's another way I paralyze myself. The physical symptoms are a convenient excuse to perpetuate this behavior. And as a result, i get nothing done. And when I get nothing done, I get down on myself. And when I get down on myself, I get nothing done...

    (Completely changing the subject, I have to say that I now notice a difference in my hands. I haven't resumed a normal level of activity by any means, but I feel like I notice a 40-50 percent improvement in my hands and wrists when i type. Still lots of cracking and popping, but the worst aches and pains are milder. I hope this is not me hallucinating or just a natural lull in the cycle of my pain. But I really have been typing a fair amount lately...so I'm hopeful.)
     
    Leslie and gailnyc like this.

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