Day 1 Second Time Around

Over 10 years ago, I was struggling with debilitating upper back pain. It started as a knot that wouldn't quit for a few years. I tried PT, injections, muscle relaxants, NSAIDs, massage. Then it escalated into a whole back issue. At its apex in 2008, I had "thrown my back out" and collapsed in a heap at Grand Central Station. My mother had to come get me. A friend told me about Sarno's book and after reading the entire thing (and finding myself in its pages), I gradually began to be freed of pain. After only 2 weeks, I was 100% better. I left that process positive my dad has been in my back. We had a fraught relationship and soon after my collapse, I learned he had dementia. There was a lot of unpacking I had to do our relationship and eventually it all started to come together like a jigsaw puzzle: His presence in my life was toxic and backwards. I wore that pain and disappointment in my body.

Then after marrying and having two kids, a nagging lower back pain settled in. I almost don't remember when it started. Maybe 4-5 years ago. I can stretch for hours and it's the tightest and an electric feeling. It's persistent and only walking makes me forget it's not there. Sometimes it subsides. Sometimes in creeps up to my mid back. After massages, I have been able to identify that it's the muscles that come down my back and connect at my waist. They're all like metal rods - tight and tender. Yoga makes me feel like I am an antique. I can run through it, but it's a demoralizing feeling after. I am only 44 and fit. But the body I am in is feeling old and arthritic.

I did pick up Mind Over Back Pain again. Can't say it's worked. This time around I just need to back into this differently. I think there's a different trigger and there's a lot of self-loathing and fear in the mix. Parenting has fired up a whole universe of self-doubt and anxiety. I do think of a time that this is behind me once again. I am taking our current self-quarantine state as a chance start on that path.

 

Howdy...your story sounds similar to mine in terms of the emotional baggage. My first bad TMS symptoms (IBS-C) started in college due to a series of family fights. Things settled down somewhat, but then I got way worse after my daughter was born. A handful of stressful life events plus some serious health issues for my daughter nearly killed me. After a lot of digging, I found that most of my pain was due to me repressing a lot of anger at my wife and daughter. "Feeling" that terrified me. It took some time for me to get a handle on it. For a while, I started having anxiety around them and I was afraid I no longer loved them. There was also a lot of self-doubt like you mentioned, and fear I was failing as a husband and father.

Long story short, I'm much better now. After letting the pent up emotions out, the "wave" as I call it passed and now I can feel that anger/fear/etc. on occasion without it overwhelming me. If parenting is one of the big root causes to your new symptoms, it can be difficult to get a handle on emotionally. However, you can certainly do it! Just remember the success you had with your back years ago. You can definitely replicate it! Keep up the good work!

 

Thank you. Trying to find the time to do this will be challenging with kids. I have already encountered feeling of shame for even suggesting this all could stem from parenthood. It makes it very challenging to approach this. Plus I feel like I am sandwiched between negative emotions toward my own parents and ones towards my kids. Not sure where which to start on first.

 

Indeed, thinking negatively about kids does create a lot of guilt and shame. I know that's not fun, but it's a normal part of the program. The only advice I can offer there is that after acknowledging that thought regularly for several months, it lost its sting for me. The frequent exposure to those feelings eventually helped me to see them as normal thoughts/feelings I can not control, and to accept that they can simultaneously exists alongside love and devotion. Basically, time will help your brain accept that negative feelings are okay.