Day 1 Scared but hopeful

Hello everyone!

I work on a computer, and my main hobby is photography (necessitates a lot of computer work). I have a doctor's note on my desk for an MRI of my rotator cuff. I said I would get the MRI in 2 weeks if I couldn't find some alternative. I discovered TMS online yesterday morning, and I feel like I've lived a full week since.

I hope TMS is what I have. I'm going to get Healing Back Pain on Tuesday and I'm sure that will help me understand it more. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's tried numerous therapies and books, sure each time that it would help - so I am hesitant. Cautious. It almost sounds too good to be true.

If it's any indication, my latest symptom has been arm pain (rotator cuff, mostly right) and this morning, after reading about TMS all night, I woke up with insane pain across both arms, shoulder, neck, and a gigantic headache. I think that means I've hit the nail on the head!

I'm 24 and I've had symptoms since at least the age of 10, possibly much earlier. I also experience misophonia and I am hopeful that will subside as well as my symptoms.

The 2 things I am most concerned about are being able to trust myself, and how this will affect my relationship with my husband.

#1: Trusting myself - I was raised by a narcissistic mother (my diagnosis; several family members and our therapists agree, ha) and the type of father that goes along with that. So I grew up unhappy but thinking that verbal & emotional abuse was normal and what I deserved. To keep the story short, I lied a lot as a child to try & escape that.

But I really did start to feel sick/get headaches when I was told to do chores/homework as a child. And I was told, It's all in your head, or You're lying, stop it and get to work. And even my husband, who is the most loving & caring man but is also pragmatic and has a touch of perfectionism - he's questioned me sometimes, saying, Isn't it funny that your arms hurt too much to work on the computer when you need to be doing something? And I am just heartbroken because this whole time I've tried to be an ally for myself! I've said no, I'm not imagining it, the symptom really is real and I am not trying to weasel out of it, because I'm a responsible person with good character who follows through; I am telling the truth that I just hurt too much to do my job.

So I just feel disillusioned and I wonder if I'll ever be able to trust myself. There's a lot more to this but I won't bore you with it. I've gone to therapy, I know my childhood sucked, I've been over it. I've invested so much in both my body and my mind, keeping them optimized and in harmony (supposedly), and this is what happens?

#2: Relationship with my husband - because he "called it" about 4 years ago. At the time, I was looking desperately for work. My back & neck pain were so severe that we'd been paying for me to go to the chiropractor 3x a week and the chiropractor finally said, "Maybe you need to go talk to a therapist instead." I was so ashamed and felt so guilty - and couldn't ask to spend even more money. My husband had said the same thing, "Maybe it's all in your head."

And with the misophonia, he was compassionate and paid for hypnotherapy, but sometimes would let something slip like "When are you going to get over that?" Because it's not logical to him. He thinks I just let things get to me easily, on purpose. Again, he's very fact-based and more perfectionistic than me.

The thing is, I'm sure he also has TMS, with his insomnia and neck pain, and, to be immature about it, I'm dreading telling him about this because I'm afraid he'll think of me as weak and gullible while he is having the same issue and it's not fair! /pout But knowing how marriage is, I know I need to focus on me first, not fixing him.

So those are my 2 big concerns.

Thanks for creating this place, I'm looking forward to reading the book and seeing what happens. Thanks also to Forest and his videos for being such a great path to the wiki and thanks to those who created the structured program, it's very intuitive and well-thought-out. Loving the success stories, so much.

 

Rose,
It's very important that you wrote down all these thoughts and it's evident the anguish that TMS has caused you. You've been in a no-win situation for a long time- you can't blame your husband for not understanding because he's tried to help and yet you are still dealing with these awful symptoms and can't get past them. I've been in a very similar situation- as I'm sure have a lot of the people on this site.

I think the key to talking with your husband about it is just to say the things that you're saying here. Authenticity makes life a lot easier. Tell him that he was right about the psychological origin but that the physical symptoms are real. Tell him that now that you know how to deal with it how important it is to you that you work on it and get better. How could he have a problem with that?

 

Thanks, Endless luke!

Thinking about it more, I realized my mom had TMS stress migraines. I also realized that after watching her with them, that around age 8, I stopped being compassionate to her about the migraines because it was obvious to me that her stress was causing them. They'd totally incapacitate her the rest of the day. I actually thought she was choosing to get them as part of her manipulative MO.

So I'm guessing it's just a full circle thing, less to do with my husband - I was so judgmental to her, that my expectation is that people deserve to be judgmental toward me. But that doesn't need to be the case.

Thanks for the advice on talking to my husband! That's a really great approach to take. I will try that today. Thank you!

 

Rose,
Welcome to the Forum! You have made a great start by articulating your pain and concerns so well. You will find many compassionate, kind people who have gone through very similar experiences here. And they are always willing to share the wisdom they've acquired on their own healing journey.

Wishing you the best....