Road to recovery, 5 months since discovering TMS

Hi everyone!

It has been 4 month since my last visit here and about 5 month since “discovering” TMS as a theory. Why the absence? Well, I felt that my way forward was slowing down reading about people who struggled and that it made me afraid that it wasn´t gonna work for me either. But now I feel it´s time to make an update and talk to people who understand what a TMS recovery is all about!

Changes I´ve made since discovering TMS:

- Stopped talking my “nerve pain medication”, cold turkey. Almost the first thing I did.
· Got read of all my ergonomical devices, quit doing the rehabilitation exercises designed by different doctors and therapists.
· Start working out double the time or sometimes triple the time I used to before. From 10-15 minutes of swimming, to 40-25 minutes. I can take walks for about an hour, I´ve even been climbing on an indoor wall once!
· The hesitation about doing physical things has decreased a bit, my first reaction is still “no, I can’t do that”, but many times I change my mind and does it anyway, like carrying a heavy table or a baby, window cleaning etc.
· I´ve been travelling once (my biggest fear last 2 years), 4 days abroad with less control, less possibility to rest etc. Went OK, but had a lot of pain, did break down once out of pain and disappointment.
· I work longer hours, before TMS about 4-5 hours a day, now sometimes even up to 6-8 hours.
· I understand that my pain is psychological and not physical. But mostly on an intellectual level, than on an emotional level. Huge struggle here!
· Have told my therapist a bit about TMS and she´s kind of buying it, since she´s into mindfulness, but of course it would be better with a trained TMS psychiatrist.
· I´ve started confronting some of my biggest emotional traumas.
· I allow myself to cry and be angry much more than before and I write about it and try to find the reasons behind the feelings.
· And a few more…

Now, about the pain: it hasn´t gone away. It´s moving around, some types of pain are less common, some areas are almost gone, but it has found new ways and is pretty consistent. I feel I have pain almost every waking minute, unless I´ve just finished a good exercise, with the blood pumping.

In the beginning I felt I had better days and I was really positive, but my biggest flaw is my impatience. I keep hammering myself with “it´s been almost half a year now, I´m never going to make this, I´m a hopeless case” and so on… You might know the feeling: you´re tired of trying, you just want to be normal, you feel it’s unfair and thoughts like that. I feel I live half a life, managing to work, but is too sad and vulnerable to be able to keep my social life going. Mostly the sadness has increased last couple of months, and it´s not easy to be social when you´re sad.

I still believe that the TMS theory/method is the key, but I have a really hard time believing it will work for me.

Well, that´s it for me right now, feels like I will be more active here again since I´ve been losing a bit of the TMS focus lately! Overall - on the positive side, it IS better than before, but I need MORE! And I need to feel positive again, I´m so fricking tired of this body!

There, feel a bit better now, hope you´re all doing well in your recovery!

Linnea, the Swede

 

Hi Linnea,

Welcome back!

I understand about the pressure to get better soon...I had a month of almost zero pain and then one day had a headache again and thought oh, no it's back, how come I'm not better yet?

What I'm learning is it takes as long as it takes. But it can be hard to be patient sometimes

 

I know for a long, long time I didn't think I was getting any better. But when I compare three years ago with today, it's like night and day. Just persevere and don't give up. Especially, don't get distracted by your mind's attempts to discourage you and reinforce the structural diagnosis. I tried for a long time to keep my feet planted in both camps at the same time, the structural and the psychological, by continuing to go to PT and Pilates. However, I noticed a great leap forward when I abandoned all the old physical modalities: no back stretches, no PT, no Pilates, no, no, no. Seems that you had greater courage abandoning those things right from the start. That's one way to get better faster I think.

Glad to hear from you again here. Didn't think it had been that long!

 

Hi Linnea. I can understand your not coming on the board regularly--that's quite ok! I think if I were struggling I would be spending my time "doing TMS work".

It took me awhile to get back into a physical workout routine, but then it happened suddenly--one day I said to myself THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR BACK NOW JUST DO IT and I did it, and I now look back and chuckle at my own fear.

This takes time. We are undoing a lifetime of physical thinking and it won't happen overnight.

I believe you will recover--now you need to believe that.

Hugs,

Lori

 

Hi Linnea,

Welcome back!

I know just how your feel. I can SO relate to your saying that, "I still believe that the TMS theory/method is the key, but I have a really hard time believing it will work for me. " It's been about 6 months for me since finding Dr. Sarno's books. I, too, have become somewhat discouraged by not being "fixed" by now, but I am determined to feel good. My brain has been trying to seriously trip me up to keep me focused on the physical and it's taking everything I've got to fight it. I need to remember that I didn't get here overnight. I am in the "impatience boat" right there with you.

Hang in there. I'm sure when we both beat this, it will be more than worth the wait!

Hugs,
Valerie

 

Thanks guys, (and sorry for being worthless at answering quickly..) it feels so much better knowing your support is out there! I´ve read everything, taking all advices to heart. Seeing that many of you struggle or have struggled in similar ways makes me feel less lonely and a bit more hopeful.

Doing a bit better now comparing to the day I started this thread, maybe because I´m reading a lot about positive visualisation and tries to practise that as often as possible. When I go to bed I imagine how I wake up in the morning, with a smile on my face, and how the day goes brilliant and effortless, with no pain.I especially have a picture of myself climbing, using every muscle in my back, feeling strong and in control, (works as a monotonous sleeping pill as well )

Again, THANK YOU for supporting and I´ll try to write more and be more active further on.

Linnea

 

It's great to hear from you, Linnea, and it sounds like you are making good progress. You might want to read this post from therapist Alan Gordon, I think you will find it encouraging and helpful:
http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/a-word-about-outcome-independence.562/

Keep up the good work, and keep checking in!

Jan

 

Thank you Jan, I'll read it!

 

Yes, Jan and Linnea, that piece by Alan Gordon on "outcome independence" is just great and gave me all kinds of insights into how TMS actually works through the OCD symptoms so common in T-type personalities (as Steve O. would define them). Good advice, Jan!