Reflections on poor progress

I did a journaling exercise from the perspective of a healthy me watching my behavior trying to heal and observing how silly it all seems sometimes. I found the conclusion for how I wish to proceed from here on out to be simple and it felt like a burden had been lifted from how I've been attempting to heal so far.... Maybe others feel similar to me so I'm pasting it here as is....


Sorry for spelling, this was done on my phone in middle of night.

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We know from anecdote experience and past experience that this is TMS

But is it really unconscious emotions at play w my mind doing me a favor? Possibly. I don't know.

What I do know is ignoring n reducing stress got rid of my pelvic pain n it flares when I'm stressed.

The simplest explanation is it's just a physical form of anxiety. I think that's pretty much true especially when you have it weaving in and out with symptom and anxiety from time to time.

But I also understand the neurological explanation that you have learned it. Maybe you felt it for real or maybe it is a form of stress but it's now a pathway that your brain knows how to trigger.

You brain is stuck in a rut because the symptoms are so scary and so intense you fear them and obsess over them. Every thing in life becomes about the pain. How you sit situation plans tracking bedtime Medication food work relationship friends free time. It controls everything.

Because of this hyper focus on it and attention, it obviously stays around. Not cause it's trying to be a dick but because anything you focus on tends to go to the front of your mind.

That is why stopping the fear and eventually the attention is so critical. That's why getting on with your life is so critical. You need to get something more interesting in there to replace it. Your brain will slowly gravitate towards others things when you ignore this.

So we have to stop the anxiety around it first. Thoughts directly control your stress response which control your behavior. When you stress out about it you are reinforcing the symptoms so it stays around longer but also amplify the pain IN THE MOMENT.

And now you have anxiety as icing on this crap cake! Complete with whatever crap it wants to throw your way like insomnia, etc.

This spirals a bit n you become isolated physical and socially. Great! More time to brood and fret and analyze and solve! That's.....not great for our reinforcement and now we've also deprived ourselves if the fun and joy we used to have. Anxiety or depression start to have some fun.

Now we look at the calendar and see all this time has passed. We feel guilty about all the time we wasted on this and fret not being able to expel it at will. Wonder how long this will go on for....

Since we read so much about tms we might worry about getting a symptom imperative if we are lucky enough to kick this current demon. I say lucky because through the fog of all this anxiety we really start to believe we will never recover.

Let's check in on how we are feeling. Yep. It's still there. This sensation feels so weird I've never heard anyone else describe it so maybe it's not TMS after all....

Let's ask Dr. Google. Oops.....that was a terrible idea now my anxiety is on overdrive and I have some doubts about tms.. maybe I should go in for more testing? Eh, the doctor won't take me seriously anymore anyway so what's it matter.

I found the courage to talk to others about this, but now it's all I have on my mind and all I want to talk about. People are supportive but I think they are getting bored of this... maybe I'll isolate some more.

I'll take some anxiety meds maybe that'll help. Oh crap, more symptoms. Is this a side effect or more tms? Maybe this drug isn't working for me. Maybe no drug will work for me. Maybe I should get off it....oh crap, look at all these horrible withdraw stories.

Maybe there are other ways to deal with the anxiety. Let's research.....

Oh, about s hundred different things! Im convinced only one thing could possibly work for some reason, so I better try it all! I'll exercise change diet meditate journal gratitude cbt pmr visualization take supplements stretch yoga accupuncture and scream at the moon!

Damn...all that stuff takes four hours a day. it's exhausting and not giving any benefits. Some of this stuff is directly contradictory. How can I tell who is right...I don't want to follow the wrong treatment and waste my time and prolong suffering!

I find a therapist but I immediately don't think he can help me cause he said something wrong based in my internet research. If I know more than him how can he help....

So what do we do? We stop the fear. We are no longer afraid of finding that hidden emotion, that original trigger. Our brain isn't evil or out to get us. It just needs help moving on. That's it. Help.That simple. Stop the fear reduces anxiety. It's no longer as intense. We go about our lives a little more at a time. Our old interests return. We don't isolate much anymore. Our sleep improves. We stop looking for a cure or that one illusive insight that will quickly get us out if this mess. It fades without us even noticing. That's the only way it ever could you know. If you see it go you'll ask where it is and like bloody Mary will show right back up.

Maybe that's why there are book cures. Maybe that's why there are so many different ways people heal. We each find our own way to cope with fear.

That's exactly why when you healed last time you never actually did anything. You literally moved on with life to a new job new state and slowly it all faded when you no longer had time to play with it like an old high school friend who goes away to college.

And Maybe that's why we relapse. That's why we symptom imperative. We are anxious. Sensations happen. We fear. We forget.

 

Good post James. Everything in a nutshell. marls

 

Wow this looks exactly like me... XD was like reading the last 6 years of my LIFE.

 

This exactly me too

 

Thank you @jamejamesjames1 for consolidating perfectly how not to heal. I’m delighted that you had such a powerful insight into this and I hope you are able to galvanise this epiphany.

I also pray that it lends insight into where people are going awry and helps them correct course. I was an epically slow learner when it came to truly understanding how I was creating and maintaining my own insanity but your post articulates it so well.