Day 4 Past and Present

Identifying past emotional pain, current stressors and personality traits.
Past: my dad died when I was 5 years old. I think that pretty much set the stage for my whole life so far. I have so much anger about growing up without a dad.
When I was 8, my mom and I moved from Southern California to a small town in Oregon. I was basically made fun of and picked on from 3rd grade until my junior year of high school. I was good at baseball and music, so I made friends and gained some acceptance thru those, but ultimately I felt like an outcast my whole childhood. I wasn't popular with girls and still to this day I constantly fear rejection from women. Baseball was my only saving grace, but senior year I developed rotator cuff issues (probably TMS). I also suffered from HORRIBLE migraines all thru school, but then only had 1 during thru the entire decade of my 20's (TMS again). All these events taught me to be fearful and to put up a wall for safety.
Current Stressors: I play in a band full time with 2 guys that are like brothers, both in the good way and in the bad way. Planning, organization and professionalism are not their strong suits. I'm realizing I have a strong desire to be in control as a result of the constant fight or flight feelings that are always present (TMS again). Being on the road 150 days a year is not easy. I always wanted to be a touring musician and now that I do it for a living, a big part of me hates it. But of course I feel guilty for feeling that way. We're on the road right now and my bandmates lack of planning and organization is hard to deal with. It often means sleeping in the van instead of someone's house or a hotel or needing to replace a broken side window in the van because someone was too lazy to get it fixed when we were home. Now we have to try to find a place on the road that can replace the window. That also means that our gear is not as safe as usual.
Personality Traits: I fit the TMS personality to a "T". I've always worried about everything. When I'm playing I worry about messing up, when I'm talking to girls, I worry about being rejected, when I get a girl, I worry about her leaving or cheating on me. When I'm doing anything, I worry about doing it right and being accepted and acknowledged as good. I pressure myself to practice because I don't think I'm good enough and if I'm not good enough, people won't like me. If I don't be the responsible one, I won't like me or if I don't be the best person I can be at all times, I won't be good. It's so silly.
I recognize in so many ways how TMS has manifested in my life and how profoundly it has affected me. I feel like I've been in a glass prison my whole life and never realized it. Or even when I did notice it, I had no idea how to free myself. The good news is I'm starting to recognize these patterns so hopefully at some point I will be able to let them go, or at least not get sucked into them.

 

Great insights, BamBam. I also appreciate the fact that you write well