newbie

Hello folks, Claire aka cherrybomb here. 33 years old, from england, mother, wife, dog lover, music lover and recovering perfectionist!

I eventually became severely disabled by pain at 27yrs old (i thought due to a viral infection) and was diagnosed with fibromyalgia at 29yrs old. I was 'happy' wth the diagnosis as it fit but absolutely distraught at my predicted future and continuing excrutiating pain and disability. It is only now in desperation that i was able to entertain the idea of my pain having a psychological basis. It was 'the great pain deception' that first introduced me to TMS and I experienced what to me were amazing small breakthoughs during the reading of it . For eg. i began regularly affirming to myself that i was ready to feel all emotions, that i was ok , that i could handle feelings of sadness and anger that all these feelings the intensity of them would eventually pass, that i loved myself.

I ended up having some very cathartic dreams about my mum and dad, i managed to shout stuff at them in my dreams that i could never do in reality. One day i broke down in tears and anger at my dad never being there for me emotionally when i was teenager, stuff that i wouldn't want to see to his face now for fear of hurting him, he was going through a tough time too you see. And after about 20 min after i'd said all this stuff - shouted all this stuff i'd love to say to him all the pain in my neck and shoulders and jaw disappeared, i literally felt a weight disappearing!

I also observed during the reading of the book that i began to have muscle twitches in my legs, i 'd never had them before - aha i thought you are panicking now dear brain i can feel it! So i ignored them and they went away within a few minutes!

But then it stopped the progress stopped. I admit i stopped doing my affirmations, i stopped doing the self work, i didnt begin any excersise for fear of any pain being increased (it has been so bad i wanted to end my life just to make it stop). Will i end up there again? im starting to see i will if thats what i fear. But even if it does im beginning to see i need not panic as its the right thing to do , its a process and im on the right path. So im now working myself up to going on a run, i normally use a walking stick or wheelchair or just dont go out, i even have a carer who has helped me in the home for over 4 years and with childcare.

Is it a matter of me just facing the pain off as steve did in the pain deception? I do have one worry about the pain drugs im on. I tried to reduce them last year to see how i was, it was hell, the pain shot right up off the scale so i went back on them. Should i come off my pain meds and when? im terrified of the that level of pain! how can i overcome this fear?

Lots of love
Claire

 

thanks so much x