Day 8 My healing journey up to now

My chronic pain has been migraines since the age of 12 (59 years). When I started reading the book "The Way Out" I was convinced this is my way out. Up to yesterday I read a lot, did the suggested practices, read success stories, and talked with 3 practitioners that offer a TMS program. Yesterday was a day off and I realized that I am overdoing it with the hope to cure myself fast. Taking the day off was a good time to reflect and understand that this is a long process. The fear of migraines is deeply rooted in my brain and my calming messages have a very mild effect. For years I knew that my headaches are caused by a malfunction of the pain system in my brain but had no idea how to correct it. I also realized that in spite of the neglect I experienced as a child I am not able to feel anger toward my mother. She was so miserable I had to take care of her... Journaling about it bring some pain to the surface. I recounted my childhood experience many times to several therapists, but the connection to my migraine was never made. I have a feeling this can provide a cure but I think I need support.

 

This is tragic. Someday, I would like to think that it will also be grounds for malpractice.

I could go on, but instead I will welcome you to the forum, @chenchen. I have a couple of things for you to consider.

One is: good for you for taking a day off to reflect! This is treating yourself with care and respect, instead of allowing your fearful brain to burn you out so that you quit in frustration. Rushing through the SEP is a common way to fail.

As for your anger - work on getting in touch with your much younger little girl, the one that needed the love and security that a parent is supposed to provide when they make a commitment to bring a child into this world. That little girl had rage about being let down, and the rage turned into pain because she wasn't allowed to express herself. The rage and abandonment she wasn't allowed to feel openly must be expressed now.

What is said about forgiveness is that you can understand and forgive the other person because of their personal failures and inadequacy. But what happened to you was not fair, it was completely undeserved, and you do not need to forgive the actions you endured.

Loving yourself means opening yourself up to experience the rage you have that you missed out on the loving childhood that every child deserves.

Loving yourself also means knowing now, in your heart, that you deserve to heal.

Keep it up, and keep us posted. That's what we're here for.

~Jan