Day 9 How Past Events Have Shaped Me

Hi All,

This past event has never been forgotten yet I never stopped to think quite how much it had shaped me. I was 14 years old and was on my way back on a bus and as I was approaching my stop I noticed quite a large group of 'skinheads'. For those of you who are unfamiliar with that term they were a group of youths in the same way as you have mods, rockers, punks etc and there was the usual rivalry and aggression between the groups. The skinheads however were universally hated because they were openly rascist and violent, they hated asians (I am asian), they would refer to us as "pakis" which is just as derogatory as calling a black person "nigger".

For some reason I just got off at that stop rather missing it and getting off at the next stop which would have been just as easy but the fear of seeing that gang made me unable to think clearly so I went on auto-pilot and got off at my usual stop. As I crossed the road I realised I was being followed and then I heard someone ask me if I had the correct time, I knew it was one of them but I was unable to take fight/flight action because I had frozen. Still on auto-pilot I turned around and said I didn't have the time and then I saw 3 of them there and one of them punched me in the face. At that point I did take flight, they chased me briefly but the adrenaline had kicked in good and proper and I was able to easily outrun them.

I ended up with nothing more than a bloody lip but it didn't show because it was on the inside of my lip, only a minor physical injury but a major psychological scar, it left me absolutely shaking with fear afterwards. I wasn't able to talk to my parents about it because they were always totally unsupportive and in fact this was the sort of event that would usually lead to me being told off and criticised. I really didn't insult to injury.

I think this event has led to me being nervous when on my own walking through areas which have a reputation for crime. I get nervous when someone is walking towards me and I have avoided such areas. At first I thought this was "natural fear" which would protect me and help to keep me vigilant but now I personally think this is nonsense. My body knows exactly how to protect me and I my intuition leads to me the right places for my own safety if I allow it to do so but the freeze response stops me from listening to it and acting upon it. Generally that event has led me into an awful lot of avoidant behaviour. But since learning about TMS and as I wrote in my Day 8 journal all irrational fears can go f**k themselves. I trust myself to know what to do where to go etc and I will allow that process to happen, I have confidence now.

This was difficult to write especially because I was on my way back from my Karate club on the bus that day, so I had beliefs like "what a loser, on your way back from a Karate class and you get beaten up, just give up !" But now I know why I acted the way I did, it's because I froze and eventually I did the right thing by taking flight and protecting myself. It didn't kill me, it made me stronger.

Willow

 

Hi, Willow. I think you handled that bullying situation very well. Yes, what doesn't kill us does make us stronger. You are a strong guy, and will come through all your emotional stresses to become a very healthy, happy guy. Just believe 100 percent in TMS.

 

I am indeed strong Walt, takes one to know one

 

What a horrific event, Willow. I think you did VERY well, especially given that you didn't feel comfortable processing it with your parents immediately afterwards.

One thing that has helped me deal with painful memories is to look back and console my child or teenaged self for what happened. Imagine how your adult self would speak to your younger self, and provide the support you didn't receive from others at the time.

Blessings on your journey.

 

Thanks Gigi, thats pretty much how I address such past events, its pretty much a self forgiveness process. Keep well.