How do I get over regret with not realizing I have TMS?

Ok so basically when I was 15 I got spondylolysis which is like a stress fracture in the spine which took me out of soccer for a bit. Ever since then I got recurrent back pain, knee pain and neck pain like all the time and nowadays I'm getting tension headaches like 24/7. I am 100% this is all psychogenic. I stumbled across TMS a few weeks ago and quite frankly it changed my life. I'm just really mad now that I didn't realize this. I played soccer in college and missed a lot of practices and games because of these "injuries". This has caused a lot of frustration and anger and I really can't believe the medical profession doesn't diagnose this would have made my life a lot easier.

I'm starting to ruminate on this a lot. When I was 17 my doctor did an MRI on me and said I had spondylolysis again and put me in a back brace when it was found out that a month later there was nothing wrong at all. I have so much anger and guilt that I missed out on so much due to this stupid brain disease. How do I get over this?

 

Not too soon. Being in touch with and aware of that anger will temporarily keep you symptom free.....long term, anger is itself cancerous, but just like all medicines are toxic, a little indulgent dose is OK....being aware of it is very important!

They don't know or don't believe in it. It goes against all of their training and all of their gizmo's and all of the MONEY! Imagine SCOI in Los Angeles (Southern California Orthopedic institute) announcing "WE will no longer do surgeries, install mechanical placebos or do any treatment other than psychological, as we have found it to be at the core of 98% of our cases"

A lot of people in Pacific Palisades wouldn't make their monthly nut.

Your 22? Most of us didn't find this till our thirties. You got a LOT of life in front of you...REJOICE!!

 

TM

TMS is not a "brain disease" like cancer. It's just anxiety manifested as symptoms in the body. It's "learned pain" which is just a fancy way of saying HABIT. I urge you to stop using scary medical verbiage because it's communicating to your brain that you are somehow broken or in danger. The truth is, there's nothing wrong with you. The good news is it's just TMS which means you are human and have anxiety. Please don't make such a big deal out of this because it's NOT lol. As far as regret for the past, it wasn't your fault. You, like most people got "medicalized" and then had the "nocebo" effect. We can't regret the past because we were doing our best with what we knew then. Regret is a form of self abuse and we need to tell that inner bully voice to shut the heck up. This is common and reversible. If you stop being so hard on yourself and allow yourself to feel the anger and other emotions, your brain will lose it's grip on it's habit to send these signals.

 

I kinda see your anger and regret as a good thing. It's a powerful affirmation that you finally found the answer. So many people who discover TMS struggle with fully accepting their pain and symptoms psychosomatic and not structural. It seems you've gotten right past that.

Man, I wish I would have found this at 22! I would have saved myself a lot of physical and emotional difficulties. But I don't think Dr. Sarno's first book had even come out yet. I discovered it about 14 years ago in my early fifties and I'm extremely grateful I did.

Don't beat yourself up. Your average neighborhood doctor still doesn't know about (let alone accept) TMS as a diagnosis. How could you have known?

 

You already got excellent advice here.

Let me add to it one point: not being able to let go is one of the traits of a TMS personality. We are who we are. Part of overcoming our physical pain is in recognition of who we are and coming to terms with it, which includes learning how to let go of obsessive feelings.

My advice is: do what we all who healed have done, which is go on a journey of discovery of who you are and what matters to you. Find your authentic self and figure out the way of living authentic life - I am quoting @miffybunny here because I could have not said it any better.

I can't predict 100% for you, but a lot of us who healed, discovered that letting go is one of the mindbody medicines that we had to take.

 

Thanks a lot for your reply. hahah this makes so much sense its an industry that wants to keep you sucked in forever. I don't think they're ttrying to harm you but sometimes these orthos have done more harm then good. I was just wondering other than pain reduction did your life change in anyway once you discovered TMS. I'm still quite bitter that TMS and anxiety in general prevented me from being the best possible version of myself I could be these past few years but I'm hopeful for the future.

 

hahaha I was exaggerating when I said "brain disease". I think because of the pandemic and more alone time I'm really starting to beat myslef up as to how I didn't realize that anxiety was the cause of symptoms. I just keep thinking that had I taken the initiative I would have made a lot better use of these past few years. It's kind of weird graduating college and becoming an adult and reflecting on your youth.

My question is once you discovered TMS besides unlearning your pain did you gain anything else in your life? i'm just hoping I can get something good out of this for myself because quite frankly its hard to accept that my anxiety has caused me so much pain throughout my life more than external factors. I keep telling myself I could have been a better soccer player, had a better social life and gone passed my comfort zone. Obviously I can still do these things now and I have time to do so but it's hard to let go. My pain is gone a few weeks ago I had really bad knee pain that I went to the doctor for who said nothing was wrong and then I got into reading all of this mind body syndrome.

 

Yeah i'm 100% sure the moment I started reading about this I knew this was me and just wallah everything disappeared except for the tension headaches. I'm literally the perfect example of TMS perfectionistic, over analyzer a bit anxious, and cant get my emotions out. I guess it's unrealistic for my 17 year old self to have figured this out but I still wish I had taken the initiative to figure out my anxiety earlier on in life. I think the doctors don't mean harm but tbh their advice has done more harm than good. I'm glad you have discovered it as well. My question is though besides pain reduction did your life change in anyway after discovering TMS. I really want to put a positive twist on this and not look back and see this as wasted time.

 

Hi @leomessi45 ,

Yes lol. I think it's important to be careful about the words we use when we talk to our brain. We don't want to pay too much respect to TMS or bow down to it as if it has all this import and weight. It's just you and your anxiety....like the little guy behind the curtain in The Wizard of OZ. When you see it for what it is, it loses its power. Believe it or not, everything that happened is happening FOR you, not "to" you. You have your whole life ahead of you and this experience is something that will ultimately bring you great confidence and gratitude. The journey is a never ending one but you are off to great start because you have an opportunity to get to know yourself on a deeper level that most people your age don't. This will serve you well in the future because you will live your life on your terms and true to yourself. I personally gained much more than I lost, and I'm 52 now. It's never too late and tbh some people go their entire lifetime not learning anything. Now THAT would be a shame wouldn't it? Without suffering, we don't grow and learn. We don't appreciate what we have as much. There is value in suffering and I have no doubt that yours will be transmuted into something wonderful!

 

haha for sure. its really hard and I obsess a lot about things that I go crazy. It's still hard to let go.

Besides pain reduction did you experience any good effects of going through TMS treatment. I kind of want to put a positive spin on this. I think that's the best way to be able to fully let go.

 

Too many to list in one post...

first. I can do ANY activity I want and I mean ANY without fear of injury.(or at least 'that' kind of injury). Skateboarding, baseball, weightlifting.....whatever I want to do , no restrictions or 'be carefuls'.

It made me realize that I didn't like where I lived so I left California and moved to Tn, and the quality of life here is way better.

It made me look into why I think I need to have a GF, and I am totally happy alone for long periods of time

It made me shine work all together and spend more time with my sons, ...prolly my biggest joy. I'd rather hang out with them than make a lot of money

It made me stop doing things I really don't like and appreciate the things I do...like singing to my dog...like playing guitar.... like sitting inside my own skin

that is just off the top of my head

 

I remember when I was a young man (back in the Cro Magnon era ). I was eager, ambitious, and wanted everything to happen yesterday. That's a good and natural way for a young person to be and I applaud your eagerness. As Baseball65 said, REJOICE!

Absolutely! I've always been so thankful for finding Dr. Sarno and this program and not just because of the pain relief. It taught me the importance of emotions and mental health to our entire lives. It has opened my mind to new ways of understanding myself, being happier, and having better relationships.

 

Thanks a lot for your reply. Sorry I'm a bit late I had to sit on it for a few days but your message is very inspirational. I honestly feel like this whole TMS thing and becoming aware through journaling has really changed my life for the better. It's kind of weird when everything is going right NOW but your are dwelling on how things didn't go well in the past at the same time. It kinda takes away from the present and I keep telling myself I could have done something to ameliorate the situation at an earlier time. Maybe I'm right or maybe I'm wrong. I guess hindisght is 20/20. I'm probably just being a perfectionist here. I'm getting mad at my doctor now for giving me a structural diagnosis all these years when it was clear I was healthy. I guess it's a bit unrealistic to put blame on him because he really doesn't know about this stuff but I'm finding it hard where to put my anger out? It's getting even worse because of the TMS journaling I am starting to learn that I have a lot of anger at myself for various things that I never even knew of.

 

haha i probably need to relax. I am so happy this program has helped you so much. I just don't want my eagerness to be a self defeating attitude if you know what i mean which is why I'm trying to focus on the present as opposed to dwelling on the past

 

Great thread here. I enjoy reading your good questions, and the answers.

This awareness is typical of internal observation, what so many find...

If you get nothing else out of learning your own TMS propensities, learning to cure yourself, know yourself ----all the things others have spoken to, it is to begin to understand your own self-rejection, your own self-anger. This self-hate, learned early in our lives in order to stay in the love of our parents ---and a typical feature of TMSers, causes huge tension and suffering and can be worked with. Compassion and understanding for ourselves is the invitation. This is an incredible, awakening time for you!