Feeling done for

Hello, this is my first post. I have been an information technology professional for almost 30 years. I had mild RSI up until the migration home in march because of the pandemic. I am pretty sure that my home set up was not adequate and led to me straining to use the mouse because of an improper desk and chair. I started developing symptoms two months ago out of the blue wherein I would have terrible burning pain on either side of my right forearm. It seemed to centralize just below the elbow. I went to see a doctor and was diagnosed with tendinitis.

I started going to a physiotherapist who agreed with the diagnosis. I would get deep tissue massage and tens/ice every visit. It seemed to be taking forever to make any difference and then I had a relapse about a month later and it was almost worse than when I first started.

There didn't seem to be any particular event physically that led to this onset and as I say I have been using computers since the Vic 20 back in 1980. I never had RSI before. I understand that I probably was doing slow and steady damage to my tendons and I definitely do have an injury.

In May of this year my wife was driving my car to do some shopping and an idiot switched into her lane going in the wrong direction. He was later tested positive for marijuana use and alcohol. The car was destroyed and my wife was badly injured. She has been off work ever since and I've been caring for her as best I can. But with the pandemic and an angsty teenage daughter it has been a challenge. My work has been fantastic and has provided me with a variety of ergonomic tools and aids. Right now I am dictating this with DragonDictate that was provided by them. I am using a roller mouse from contour and a trackball from Kensington which I switch between every few minutes so that I can continue working.

If I go back to using my computer or video games the way I used to I am instantly in agony. I can barely imagine a life without either of these things but I must continue as I am the sole breadwinner now that my wife is injured. I don't know how to do anything else, computers have been my life since I was a child. For over two months now I haven't been able to do any of the things that I enjoy. Even attempting other activities like reading is difficult because I cannot hold a book for any length of time. Listening to e-books and watching television is really all that's left to me.

I have started to have some pretty dark thoughts. I read the divided mind by Dr. Sarno and I feel like there is potential value in some of the exercises within and to supplement this I purchased a one year subscription to curable. The problem is I am caught in that fear loop I'm sure everyone is familiar with. I am unsure whether the pain is caused by the original injury or whether my mind is so panicked at the prospect of losing my livelihood and being unable to provide for my family that it is creating the pain as a distraction. I am afraid that if I continue working and using these techniques that I may do permanent damage and eventually be completely unable to do any of the things I enjoy let alone provide for my family.

Last night I had the worst panic attack I've ever had and I am not prone to them. I have a reputation within my company and my family as a rock. And I know that this is part of my goodist tendencies and I'm sure that image is playing into the problem. I feel like nothing I do works and I am becoming hopeless.

Earlier this week I was diagnosed as having clogged arteries and I am diabetic so I live with the sword of Damocles over my head already due to the potential of stroke or heart attack. I'm starting to feel like there is so much damage here that I'm not worth repairing. I'm not looking for sympathy I'm just wondering if anybody else has been in the same situation and what they did, if anything, to be able to dig their way out of it. I know there are success stories available but I would like to know if anyone had this or a similar situation and what a potential solution might be.

 

Hi MOdu5,

Welcome to the Forum and Wiki. My case is not like yours. I was diagnosed with nerve blockage in the foot and was disabled for years.

But I want to take a moment to reflect back to you what I've heard, and offer encouragement.

First, I want you to know that Forest, who created this site, was a computer specialist, and had "RSI" severely. After a long he time he luckily found Dr. Sarno's work and got better.

Interestingly at one point he even obtained an speak to text program (early Dragonspeak I think) so he didn't have to type as much. Then his voice went. (I am summarizing his story here, and apologies to Forest if I have this wrong.)

So you're at a hugely popular site run by someone who had a very similar debilitating, painful, fearful condition that you do. He got through many of things you're facing without even the benefit of a Curable Ap. So I want to give you courage.

This is almost inevitable, some kind of fear process like this. Curable will encourage you to do mindfullness practice I think, and this may be the best foundation for you right now, because "believing everything you think" will not help you. Not sure your background in awareness training, but this is foundational. Even a panic attack can be observed, felt, and not completely believed. Stay in your body and breathe.

We have this to help:
http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/free-30-day-meditation-program.23237/#post-120497 (Free 30-day meditation program)

Second point is really learn to think psychologically. Every time your mind goes to symptoms ask yourself what is really bothering you down deep. This has to become a habit, done dozens of times a day. Turn your mind away from the physical. Even if you don't have an "answer" about your inner tension, this practice takes fuel away from the repetitive physical thoughts and fears. And about this, you don't need to fix your tensions/fears. Just be willing to acknowledge them, feel them, write about them.

Also, look for ways to feel pleasure, soothe yourself, enjoy life. You need breaks from the other scripts which are causing you suffering.

We have the Structured Education Program at the Wiki.

Good luck in your work, and I truly think you've found a great start by finding Dr. Sarno's work, and coming here.

Andy

 

It does actually provide me some courage. Thanks for replying, it was very kind to do so. Just knowing that other people have suffered when I am suffering is helpful. I believe you are hundred percent correct about mindfulness. My first task is to identify what exactly I am feeling and why and just pay attention to it, map it out. I find I am also dealing with some narcissistic tendencies which I think wreak havoc. I do not like change and I do not like being forced to live in a manner other than what I choose and my narcissistic tendencies rail against that. So it's kind of a double whammy. Anyway, thank you again for acknowledging my post it means a lot to me. I will let you know of any progress I make. I hope I can be one of the success stories and possibly inspire others.

 

Then you see the rage down deep. I suggest you forgive yourself for this, this natural reaction to not "getting what you want." Feel it, allow it, defend your right to experience it, perhaps journal about it, and contemplate it as the cause of symptoms. Or rather see the other parts of you in response to the rage as the cause of the symptoms: Me being rageful challenges my self-image, so it must be pushed down.

And, you're welcome to my help.

Andy

 

Andy
Your advice and encouragement are so on target. I found journaling to be very helpful, but at times was almost traumatizing. Parts of me that had been hiding within were uncovered by the process of journaling. Bringing to light the many years of stuffing my anger, rage, and disappointment down was something I needed to do to begin to let go of my need for my pain(s). I never kept these journals, but they did help me begin to uncover the depths of my own veil(s). This was not an easy time for my spouse but he maintained his support of my healing process throughout. One of my ailments (a terrible sciatica) disappeared overnight after some weeks of in depth journaling that was, in and of itself painful to write. The other pains slowing diminished over time. Some flareups at times, but mostly gone.
Maybe MOdu you too can find some value in journaling. Sarno was an advocate of this approach to 'discovery.'
I wish you well in your recovery.
Kindly
Lainey