Fear versus Love

At the heart of pain is fear.

The fear of failure is due to the fear of being shamed/rejected, and the fear of being rejected is due to fear of being isolated, and the fear of being isolated is due to the fear of being alone: un-connected. Then comes ego to further hide the fear and to disconnect the person from others, and from himself.

Fear = Unconnected

So the chain of fear keeps working backwards to being alone (the word"ego" means, "me" or "I"....as separate). When we "feel" alone we have no one to express our fear to, or our anger, or our frustrations, or our joy, or our day, or our-Self. The pain itself is your deeper-self expressing this need "to feel connected" and that need is being expressed through your body, if you have pain. If you have someone to express yourself to, the pain gets diluted, which is why journaling and talking are the best cures.

I've been told, "I have loved ones to express myself to Steve, I'm surrounded by love." Really?? Why are you here reading this on this forum then? I believe theirs' is a reaction-formation response (saying they have someone because they feel that they should feel that way). You're at the forums because others understand you, and you understand them. Those around you at home don't--not at the level you currently need. You are here because you feel alone.

I created the word in GPD "tracordification" or "tracordify" for this purpose. We need others to feel connected, to express, to be whole. When we feel love and in love and cared for, we feel invincible and pain isn't necessary. At some point in your life you felt disconnected/abandoned emotionally, and your fear grew dramatically. At that point you created your pain to hide your rage, and to ease your anxiety.

Separation = panic = rage = needed diversion = OCD = anxiety relief = TMS = pain (this isn't a math equation, but a domino reaction, although some are equivalents.)

I'm still surprised when I run into people who don't understand that TMS is an anxiety reliever. TMSing is OCDing. They are both means of alleviating anxiety, desperately needed diversions.

So you became a good perfectionist to try to pull someone to you, to want to be connected. Thus, you created perfection in your mind, as an OCD equivalent, to avoid rejection, and deeper isolation. By being perfect we feel we can never be criticized/rejected, and then abandoned/disconnected. The disconnect is the thing that caused the rage because all you really wanted was to be loved and cared for, and held, not having to constantly prove yourself to be accepted. The demands to succeed and achieve are enraging because you simply want love without having to prove it, over and over.

You may feel that by becoming something other than the true you, or going into a certain career may pull someone to you, pull their heart to you. But your deeper truth does not want to be untrue to your entire self, as your conscious self pushes aside your deeper wishes. This is the essence of a divided mind. The good news is that you can still heal, but it takes a deepening awareness of who you are, and what you want.

If you're in pain, then you are not who you are currently pretending to be.

Close your eyes, take in a deep breath, let it out, breathe and feel your body relax heavy...now ask yourself at the same time as you sense your body's residual tension..."what do I really want?" What is my body telling me? What is it that you want right now? What is this tension telling me that I've been wanting? I've seen this ease the pain in people because for the first time they can remember, they're asking the truth to let itself be known. They've repressed truth, denied it, avoided it, and buried it in their body. Now, in quieting their mind, they're allowing for truth to rise to awareness.

You want to be loved, cared for, feel relevant, and safe. Everyone wants these things--but beyond those things, what is it that you really want? Until you can answer that your mind will be somewhat conflicted. Until you open up to the truth inside of, the suffering continues. It's the separation from the truth that creates suffering, and one way to separate from truth is to deny its very existence in you.

Fear is the destroyer, the denier, the antagonist. Hate is not the opposite of love, fear is the opposite of love. When you can find something that you love more than your own life, the obsession on your body fades. As long as people suffer they will feel disconnected, and vice versa. This is why people often frequent pain forums, to feel connected, to be heard, to not feel alone. In every person I've consulted with, there is a latent loneliness in them, even the famous folks.

Pain comes from not being connected to others and to yourself, since there's no difference between the two. People will often tell me that their pain greatly reduced when I answered their email, or during a talk, or after reading Dr. Sarno's book. These things all connected with the person, and they began to heal. Andrew Weil even said that two of his back pain patients healed after falling in love.

So, love is the antidote to fear. Find something you love deeply in vocation, to feel valued, and find love in another being to feel connected. Find the truth in them and share it. Truth is love. If you can't quite see how truth equals love, then look at it this way: truth = repeatability.

If something is true it happens over and over. It's always there for us, nothing real can ever be destroyed.

It's also important to know that the "desire of want" causes all tension in life. Tension is the difference between what you are wanting vs. what you are currently getting. So what do you want? Do you want the truth? Don't be afraid of it, it will free you from yourself.

Be well,
Steve

 

Well said, with a generous serving of awesome sauce poured all over, SteveO. Thank you!

 

This is beautifully expressed, and so relevant for me! Thank you for sharing this excellent article. It was just what I needed to read today!

I agree that there is a sense of loneliness and disconnection in my life, and this certainly contributes to my struggle with TMS. It's amazing that falling in love could actually heal people of their pain. How incredible!

I also like how you challenge people to ask the question, "What do I really want?" That certainly made me wonder… I would like to take some time to journal and reflect on this.

Many blessings!

 

Another gem from Steve.

And here's one from Mr Lennon

 

Colly YOU get it...and remember, love is not giving into darkness, but overcoming it.

 

Wow, this really resonated with me in a powerful way. It puts the "need" for TMS in a new light. Thank you for connecting some dots for me.

 

I have never said this in my entire life, but here goes, you are welcome Hoolie!

 

awesome

 

Hello Steve,

read this post with great interest.
A couple of weeks ago you said to me " you asked a question no one has ever asked me " (i was very surprised)
but maybe this is one more in that catagory :

you said :
When you can find something that you love more than your own life, the obsession on your body fades.

I noticed , and maybe i am to much digging into the words, but you say : "something"' and not "someone"
reading the whole post you mentioned :

"You want to be loved, cared for, feel relevant, and safe. Everyone wants these things--but beyond those things, what is it that you really want?"
my first reaction was : yes that is so true! : but my big question after that is : is there really more to want??
so i am not really able to answer the question : beyond those things what is it you really want'?
i can come up with things i want in terms of job etc, but not sure you are getting at that.
i would think if you are loved, cared for, feel relevant and feel safe : well you are doing fine : a pretty succesfull life in my book
so can you explain a bit more on what you mean by that, ?

thanks
greetings
Karin

 

The desire for want is at the heart of most problems, a complex topic. But it simply comes down to two emotions, love and fear, that's all there is now, but in the end only love is left. The other emotions can fall under these headings. Love is a state of consciousness and fear in most forms is faith in evil.

When I ask people what they want I'm trying to pull them to a deeper understanding of themselves. When they can see that their anger comes from not getting what they want they begin to feel better, from the awareness. Dr. Sarno referred to this in HBP as, "...those who don't do their bidding." Seeing, lights the darkness.

"Feeling safe" is just the physiological end of TMS, you have to feel safe in order to calm. But safety also concerns the psyche and the physical body... two being one.

Rumi always seems to say it nicely, "All doubt despair and fear become insignificant once the intention of life becomes love." So it doesn't matter if it's a someone or something, love is love, the antithesis of fear. When you listen to people like Tom Campbell they can also see the patterns of entropy evolving toward love. All knowledge itself dissolves into love. So the intellect is a large part of the healing problem, stinken thinken. Gerald Jamplosky wrote a nice book Love Is Letting Go of Fear that I quoted in GPD.

When I first found the good doctor's work in the 90s, I began doing affirmations like, "I am healing, my body is healing..." I now know how wrong that type thinking is in healing. But, when I told Dr. Miller my affirmations he said, "That's not how to affirm Steve, when you affirm you say this, "I deserve love." At that time I had no idea what he was talking about. But all these years later working with many people I can see how correct he was. Indeed, love is the answer. I wonder if I could sell that line to John Lennon?

SteveO

 

Hi Steve ,

Thanks for your answer.
Well maybe John Lennon was a smart man who knew this already.

For me your answer is harder to understand. I am a bit stuck on : i feel loved and have love, and don't doubt that at all , so why there is fear than too?
Maybe i am not ready to see that , or maybe i am not capable to see that.
What you mentioned about the affirmations is interesting, took you many years of working with clients to understand. Many of us will not experience that so getting that insight must come from Reading and learning and yet again : thinkin about ourselfs and our drives
and hopefully : feeling.

Its great you take the time to be active on this website

Thank u!
Greetings
Karina