Facing fear

So today I decided to straighten up just part of the garage before winter sets in (Ohio). And so I was sweeping and moving only light weight items. Of course my back was already hurting before I did this but then it started to lock up and hurt more. I kept going until I was satisfied with my progress. I dont know if this pain has as much to do with cleaning the garage as it does with the fears that I am trying to deal with. At age 68, I now think about my own mortality a lot more than I ever did. I woke up this am thinking about it and my sister and brother-in-law (both 71) and wondering what is in store for us and when ...who will go first, second and then last. It's quite morbid and no way to live your life since none of us has any control over it. This is a frequent scenario for me. Add to that my own retirement is not going as planned with one medical problem after another and financial distress. I was afraid going into retirement that I wouldnt have enough money- and sure enough, I havent been able to work part-time for 1.5 yr due to med problems. This is why I am in so much pain and trying to learn to turn away from the fear. I would be interested in how others manage that mortality stuff. What a journey this TMS is. Thanks for listening.

 

I take one day at a time and put one foot in front of the other. I say my prayers and thank God for this day & my family. Then I think about dealing with the fear that fuels the pain. Observe it and move on. Try to do something you love to do. Listen to some music. Do what you would normally do. . .you kinda conditioned yourself that the your back was going to hurt. Talk to the doctor about how you are feeling and maybe get a pain med for relief.

 

Mortality. Where to begin?
Mostly I do my best to stay open-minded and open-hearted. I do this by reading books about death because I think our culture has completely lost any connection we used to have when confronted by death, for example in the ways we farm all the arrangements out to others. I've been exploring natural funerals and ceremonies, and I've been talking about these things with my nearest and dearest. I guess I'm trying to bring death closer, to become familiar with it (as opposed to dying sooner). I realised yesterday that I have three bereavement memoirs on my 'actively reading' shelf. I didn't buy them for that reason...an interesting unconscious manoeuvre methinks.

The other thing I do is be with my people. Listen to them. Reminisce with them. Practice forgiveness. Try not to let them drive me batsh*t crazy. Focus on the good. Cuddle them. It's shocking how many people say they never get cuddled.

On a more personal level I had to surrender my fears for the future to God because we've lost pretty much everything during the last ten years. I work on the things I can change such as my fitness and stress levels, and keep letting go of the rest.

Death is terrifying irrespective of the beautiful beliefs we may hold about it and any afterlife. The older I get the more I try to soften those fears by engaging with them as they arise. This may be the most potent meditation of all.

Such a rich question. Thank you for raising it.

Plum x

 

Click#7 Thanks for your thoughtful reply. I have learned to be thankful for family as well. They are so very important to us. It helps to know how others are managing. If I can help it, I wont be going to more doctors anytime soon. I do have pain meds but rarely take them. Music and more meditation would be good for me. Thanks again.

 

Plum I appreciate your comments- its interesting to hear how you approach this topic. When I have my sense of humor, which was missing in action most of the day, I think - what if death is like staying up all night with really good friends or family having great conversation, and drinking wine or coffee or whatever one drinks. Not being tired or in pain or having any deadlines -- just having comfort and fun. Living might be a lot harder than dying. Nevertheless, as you said, it is still terrifying. Sarno said aging and mortality trigger anger. I can see that in my life. My lesson right now is to let go of what I cant control. I do cherish my family as you do yours. Sometimes laughter is my best medicine even with this awful topic. Thank you again for sharing your thoughts.

 

I think laughter is the best medicine of all. I'm blessed because my hubby and one of my brothers are natural comedians. Their presence is characterised by laughter and a lightening, brightening of mood. On those sense-of-humour-failure days I like watch funny videos on youtube. They really help shift perspective.