Extinction Bursts and Preoccupation

The good news is I’m kicking fear’s butt. I’m no longer panicked like I used to be. The bad news? I still am constantly thinking about the pain. How can you not when it’s yelling at you all the time? I allow myself to look at it without fear as much as possible, but it’s a challenge to distract myself from it entirely. Sometimes I can, for moments, when it gets really small.

Oh and the extinction bursts. I went out yesterday with the woman I love to consciously have some fun. That morning I had a good stretch of feeling almost normal.

In fact—side note—these past two weeks it’s been like swinging between some of my best moments I’ve had in a year and some of my worst. Great first half of a day, nightmare second half. Or vice versa. I wonder if that’s a sign of progress. SO up and down now, maximum intensity on both sides, and in shorter intervals.

Anyway, we went out and my discomfort bloomed into serious pain. (I have pain in my rectal area. It’s great.) It was as if my TMS was screaming for my attention. It ran down my leg. It started burning. It obviously got my focus if not my fear, and certainly my disappointment even as I tried to look at it as progress. So we went home and I more or less passed out from fatigue.

It’s hard not to think about this. It may not be hurting my body but it dominates my life (at the moment). I certainly am removing my fear of it as much as possible, which I’m proud of, but it is coming at me hard, y’all. It does NOT like this.

I hope I’m on the right path.

 

TMS has been a great matchmaker for me.

Like most people with really low self esteem, I used to consciously judge myself by how 'hot' of a gal I was hanging out with. being a little lop-sided on the testosterone side I was always looking for that pretty, coiffed, mall kitten. Then the TMS matchmaker came...

Those type of women ENRAGE me with their shallowness, singleness of purpose and mean-ness.. Not just to me but to other women and just about everybody. They're all slytherins and I am a Hufflepuff.

So, I don't worry anymore... When I am with the 'wrong' type, TMS outs them.... my unconscious is much more selective than I.
A little tickle of TMS tells my consciousness what I am unwilling to admit. DANGER. ABORT MISSION. THIS SHIP WILL SELF DESTRUCT IN 10.....9.....8....

I am not saying whoever you were with is this person of whom I speak... when first recovering there is so much conditioning left over it's hard to sort out what is what and each persons recovery is an adventure into their own likes/dislikes/true nature.

BUT... if ever God planted an early warning system in us..... Thank YOU!

Whenever I have a tickle that comes out of nowhere I immediately inspect family and close personal relationships. "What was I doing right before the symptom came? What were we talking about? Why did I need a distraction?"

I have gotten miles and miles or recovery out of those simple questions.

 

72 hours ago I listened to the audio of healing back pain and I sit here 90% pain free. I almost didn't reply cuz I don't want to come across as the overzealous new guy. I love this forum as it's my new way of life. "Inner guidance system", that's something new I will definitely remember. I can't contain my excitement and I'm unsure why I'm even trying to. Nice telly BTW " love me some guitars"

 

Congrats, man. Just remember, even if the pain comes back it can just as easily go down again. It may fight you a little. It may not. Either way, your decrease in pain is very real and a vital piece of evidence you are on the right path. Your mind and body are healing!

 

That's awesome. When my Pain finally reached a crisis point (about a week or so into my adventure) it began crumbling pretty fast. You would never know it from my belief in God BUT 20 years ago when I got better I was a 100% reason-ologist. The 'systems' story was falling apart and 'Healing back Pain' by Sarno made 102% reasonable sense.

I LOVE the over-zealous new guy. The more impact this has on you, the more permanent the truth is gonna be stamped on your being. I was you and I am still painfree 20 years later. BTW...that pic is in Guitar Center (not my tele) But I DO have a wall of awesome tele's at home. always looking for my next one!

Continuing on the OP's idea, TMS is often a guidance system. I made a few mistakes early on BUT largely it was right.... I didn't like the industry I worked in, I was in a painful marriage and I felt largely alone raising my kids, who, though I loved them and still do caused me oodles of repressed rage.... so TMS has been like squeezing the toothpaste tube, pushing me along through some of the decisions in life.

Although we don't need to change anything to get better(except our minds), we might become aware of stuff we have been mindlessly co-signing on that really irks us deeply.

Party-on Garth!