Dr Hanscom

Great tips thanks!

 

I'm finding that there are days when I truly can't come up any real self-criticism for that 1st column - not noticing very many examples of generalizing, labeling, etc. That doesn't mean my moods are made from puppies and rainbows...I can still be a negative, irritable prick but the self-flagellation has gotten a lot better so it almost feels counter-intuitive to intentionally bring it to the forefront & force myself to write about it anyway. Should I try and collect my greatest hits & spend some time reflecting on those each day? Trying to customize this activity in a way that can be effective for me and I seem to be struggling quite a bit. Maybe that's a deeper self-sabotaging influence ... or maybe all of this introspection is a gigantic waste of time & I would enjoy much greater success from shifting my focus more towards adopting healthier habits overall.

 

"collect my greatest hits and reflect on those each day"
LOL - this had me laughing.....feeling fine today, but hold the horses .. time to rehash that embarrassing b.s. I pulled 8 years ago....<---- Pain returns

Regarding journaling, I guess I've kind of always done it like a lot of you seem to. Afterwards, I tear up the paper into tiny scraps so nobody can piece it together and see what I've scribbled down (that would not be good for Sofa). It's a time when we can speak directly to our brains and TRY to break through that wall into the deep subconscious (unconscious?).

 

I have always disliked the word 'Journaling'. It conjures up an image of documenting my wonderful trip to Africa or my assignment in Myanmar (Neither have ever happened)

I have been 'cured' since '99. I DO use the 'resentment inventory' section of the 12 step program and I do write 3-7 days a week depending on my mental-spiritual-physical state of being. Occasionally If I am feeling a TMS warning shot (twinge in my Butt, Pain in my Jaw, Catch myself obsessing on something) I will scrawl a list of ALL of the responsibilities I have and the corresponding RAGE they are causing... and then submit them to the process.

But If I had to trade being pain free for absolutely acting out every emotion and impulse I discover I would be Strung out or In Jail.

So... We write down who or what we are angry about

Than... we write down what that anger affects. Self -Esteem, Pride,Another relationship, Money, Security

After that I walk away... go do something else, go to work, go play. Whatever.

Later, I come back and after praying I look at where I have been Selfish, self seeking, Dishonest or Fearful. Where was I wrong? What harm have I caused? Which of the 8 deadly sins have I committed? (I always add Self Pity as the 8th...it's worse than the other 7 put together)

I get stuck all the time. Oftentimes it seems like something just 'happened' to me...like a random stranger walking up and sucker punching me! BUT...if I can get to the honesty, there is always something that happened in my Past that set me up to be angry. The longer I've done this process the more often the answer to 'Where was I wrong' is something foolish That I have been believing like : This should not be happening because....

This process has been uber beneficial because I get to get all that rage and senseless pain down on paper and see how most of the time I have sown the wind my own self. Some kind of change takes place. The fundamental Anger generator that made me a Dope fiend, a criminal and later, a pain sufferer stops running at its break neck speed. My foolish beliefs about the world and how it is supposed to treat me get shattered and I find myself generating fewer and fewer resentments. I start to see how I got programmed to be indignant as a young person and carried that foolishness into adulthood and it literally brought me to my knees.

I reached a place where I was 'no longer interested in anything I had to offer myself'.

..and then it gets quiet. I am no longer lost in my thoughts because I am not interested in them...and hey! My Leg, arm, back, teeth, whatever... they don't hurt anymore!

.. and I think back to the Gospel and realize that the healing miracles weren't metaphors. I read the Tao te Ching and go 'uh huh'. Every thing that Eckhart Tolle and Gary Zukav ever said makes perfect sense.... and Sarno's work? That's child's play and obvious. I don't need a compass to know my North/south/east/west. I can look up in the sky and see the sun and tell in which direction they lie. And that little tingle in my Butt? I don't need a Dr. to tell me what exercise to do or pill to take. I know it's time to hit my knees and hit some paper

But I still haven't ever written a Journal

and as a post script. After I see if there is any apology necessary or amends to make THEN I toss them in the garbage.

 

David Hanscom's approach was the thing that helped me the most in the beginning. I was struggling like a stuck pig forever and day before then. I've noticed that people get too fixated and perfectionistic about his work rather than taking the compassionate big picture. He isn't Sarno. He's followed his own path and god bless him for the amazing work he has done. He's also been incredibly vulnerable and open about his healing, his work and his life. I applaud that.

Over time you'll find your knowledge and understanding of TMS will deepen to the point where all the analysis and need to dissect everything falls away. There's just you and the wonderful choice to let all the shame, blame, judgement, fear, rage and perfectionism go. It's a moment-by-moment thing but that is the beauty of it. You are creating your self, your health, your well-being, your life afresh with every heartbeat. I celebrate every soul who gives of themselves in sharing this exquisite truth.

 

Thanks so much @BloodMoon & @Free of Fear - I really thought about this a bit & realized that what powers my negative inner dialogue is just a bit different from how Dr. Hanscom & Dr. Byrd describe it when going over the 3-column technique. I think I got a little too focused on the structure of the practice...in my case, I think the most damaging thought patterns are those of regret or simply reliving traumatic events from years ago. It's stuff that really has no business invading my conscious mind, yet I drag them around with me as if there is some benefit to reminding myself of all of the moments in my past where I missed some opportunity or made a bad decision, or worst of all, something I missed out on because of illness. Regret is a total waste of time, yet I am conditioned to retain every detail of traumatic events while the good ones - the successes & happy times - those memories are much fuzzier. I'm going to try and journal that stuff & see how it goes.

 

I feel like I have a very clear understanding of where all of my rage, perfectionism, fear, etc. comes from. This understanding has only deepened since I first 'discovered' TMS & saw Dr. Sarno 20 years ago. Back then, accepting that the pain was rooted in psychological causes was enough to banish it completely. I remember the tipping point for me was how the personality traits described in "Mind Over Back Pain" matched my own. It wasn't just a few here & a few there either - it was as if my own psychological profile was the blueprint for this book. That's what flipped the switch.

I sometimes wonder if my previous discovery of a complete antidote for back pain has left me with unrealistic expectations in my battle against chronic low back pain 2.0 20 years later. It feels as though this time around all of that rage is coming from the wrecking ball that the back pain has smashed through my life these past few years. Perhaps it began as a flareup, now I am trying as hard as I can to live in the moment and try to find some joy out of life the way it is now as opposed to continuing that "once I get rid of this back pain I'll do X, Y, and Z", because that just created more disappointment and depression because I'd set unrealistic goals and wind up cancelling travel and pretty much everything I used to enjoy that involves standing, sitting, bending, or lifting.

I don't know how to derive any benefit from writing something like this in my journal:
Today I was wondering about all I could have accomplished this year had I not been so limited by back pain. I recognized the negative/damaging thought pattern, and reminded myself I should instead be grateful for having accomplished tasks such as finishing the laundry and cooking myself a healthy meal.

Now I am trying to come to terms with the reality of making a decision to move in with my parents at 43, and essentially giving up on every life goal I've ever head, and the fear of what that will do to my relationship with my parents and how I would ever be able to recover from the kind of depression that is surely to go along with such a move. Yet I can't afford to hire a caregiver, nor can I continue to take care of myself with this kind of pain. It no longer seems to matter if the nerve is being pinched by swelling caused by TMS or through systemic inflammation or both.

Endlessly dissecting my thoughts, reading more books on the same topic, physical therapy, and battling with the insurance company to pay for every single move I make....it's exhausting...and completely ineffective. Nothing works. At this point it feels like I'm just trying to figure out how to stop the bleeding. How do I go through something like this without making the problem worse? When there's no silver lining to find?

 

Hi eightball776,

I am sorry about fear and frustration in your life right now. I understand why you feel this way. Feeling like it is an endless struggle, with no 'silver lining' has got to be very discouraging.

Not knowing you, but wanting to help, I will point out what comes to me. Maybe some of this will land in the right place, and in any case I hope you'll get that I understand the hellishness of your situation.

You are experiencing extreme rage at your situation. This is natural. This is the counter experience of depression. Depression can be seen as the repression of rage. Rage is a natural response to difficult conditions, which you're experiencing. It's OK.

You might be pressuring yourself to be where you think you should be psychologically, self-talk, self-understanding vs where you actually are moment-to-moment. If this resonates with you, then superego work is probably supportive: "I hate my life right now, and I"m OK with that" and self-compassion. Making space for our real experience moment-to-moment is a type of freedom which we all want down deep. It is a compassionate act. We hate ourselves and we hate life mostly because we think things should be different. And if you take this to mean that you should accept things the way they are and feel good about it, that is not what I mean.

"You're feeling like your life is over, and this is hard for you." is an empathic way to be with yourself.

Expecting yourself to have a different experience, measuring and comparing, and blaming yourself all continue extreme pressures inside. I know this day-to-day in my own experience.

The approach I am recommending can sometimes allow myself to "fall all the way down" into not fighting my life. In this, there is huge relief and grace, regardless of the inner or outer conditions I find myself in. There is love. I hope you might find this.

Sending you best wishes to find support, and find your strong loving self.

Andy B

 

Andy, your words are always so insightful, compassionate, wise and perfect. I learn so much from you. Thank you for the time you devote to this forum.

 

You are welcome readytoheal. I am happy that my words are supportive for you.

 

Thanks for the words of support. It does help on some level to know that others have been through similar hardships.

Last night I was introduced to someone by a 3rd party who thought we might like to chat since we both suffer terribly from chronic low back pain. That my pain has managed to become an identifying characteristic isn't what stuck with me...more that after hearing this person's story, I was immediately certain she was suffering from TMS, yet could not talk about it. I used to be tell anyone I'd encounter who suffered from chronic pain about my past experience with Dr. Sarno. She'd had 2 surgeries & was angry her insurance company was denying authorization for a 3rd. I wanted to tell her they did her a huge favor & try to understand why, after 2 failed attempts, that she still believes surgery to be the answer (Dr. Hanscom discusses some of the psychology behind this & I find it fascinating). The enthusiasm I was so eager to share about the profound experience I had in curing my back pain is a distant memory...now I just feel silly, almost like a big phony because I sat there thinking if only I could convince this person that she was suffering from MBS; her suffering would end. Yet because I can't answer the obvious follow up question about why I can't seem to apply this magic to myself, I just suppress the urge to raise the topic at all.

Mostly what stuck with me about last night was the fact that I had to go home after dinner, because all I could think about was getting back to my recliner, ice pack, and drugs to take the edge off the pain while everyone else went off to the party. A rare opportunity to be social and perhaps even get myself a date, yet it just became another time I missed out on life. Sure, being stuck in this cycle for the last decade or so is the reason every other part of my life is lacking - financially, socially, professionally, etc. That creates the rage you describe. You put it perfectly - it is definitely a depression substitute. I don't have any patience left for depression. Now I'm putting holes in the walls. That isn't like me, but when you add Prednisone to the mix, irritability turns to fury. Spending 25% of my free time fighting the insurance company for every nickle to pay for treatments that don't work. Doctor after doctor that serve only to waste more of my time. Depression was leading me down the path to some very unpleasant thoughts. It also, like the anger, leads to more pain.

Yet I maintain that all of that anger would vanish the moment the pain does - and therein lies the rub. The anger is caused by the pain not the other way around, which is probably why there's something stuck in my subconscious that blames this on something other than that emotional cause...which keeps me firmly trapped in the same hamster wheel. When I discover that out of a group of 15 people last night, 3 were suffering from chronic back pain - math is not my best subject, but that sounds like 20%. That should further convince me that I should be able to banish this pain with only my mind - I have the advantage of knowing all of this stuff, right? Well, I'm not so sure all of this introspection is a good thing at all anymore, and am thinking more like 'ignorance is bliss'. This counts for my journal entry today. Thanks for the encouragement.

 

You're a damn good writer!

 

Thanks Steveo.

I been healed almost 6 years now. I had that classic neck pain come on me 2 months ago, found a spotted tick on me about the same time.
Brains trying to tell me it could be lymes disease or an old injury just coming back to stay.
I know its tms. I know the stressors i got to think about to recover, no need to journal at this stage in my journey. I already know awareness, relationship, love/ gratitude, etc....
Just keep my focus on Im fine, dont try to heal, just let it heal. Outcome independent

 

Oh, God you're sooo good at analysis, you should think of writing a book.
I think you have powerful mind and will get rid of those pains, thanks for sharing. Your post is really really thoughtprovoking!