Day1

Day1 - Hx: on/off lower back pain probably 6 times where “it went out” that it had me in bed for 1-2 days in a 40 year period, each time it would resolve and I would return to my “normal” life..but with knowledge that I had a “bad back” what ever that means.
I am/was a very active person, walking, hiking, biking, ballroom dancing, aerobics, yoga..I was not afraid. Until this year.
I left a job I loved in Dec. 2015 due to conflict not resolvable at work, moved without my husband to our future retirement home within a week of job departure to look and secure a job, left my kids/grandkids, for our future with my husband following behind in a few months. One of my children in his 30’s is mentally impaired, living with his sister and all is well there. I mention these things because I think they played a part in my painbody which was brought to the forefront this year.
Jan. 2015, one my own, looking for job, establishing self in new location, I have always taken care of myself financially..as my father stated “always be sure you can take care of yourself”. Feeling anxious at times but trying to tell myself… all will be as it should be. No back issues to speak of other than a lot of box moving over several weekends. Established a job, husband relocated and established new job. So all is well, other than moving away from my kids, even though I didn’t see them much when we lived close by.
April, I started to have tightness/burning feeling in my lower back…something I had never had before…it seemed to increase over the month to where it became very intense…feeling confident a little PT and training on proper exercises to heal and keep at bay…I went to a chiropractor, one that incorporates PT as well as adjustments… I thought having a doctor on sight as well as PT would be the best of both worlds. Long story short….4 months later I have stopped treatment. Did the chiropractor help? Let me explain… while going to him…I was in more discomfort most of the time after treatment for 24hours…and developed high anxiety to boot. I have never really experienced anxiety like this that lasted for several months… and I think it started when the chiro suggested what and what not to do to prevent further injury to my back…well all of a sudden I couldn’t dance, ride my bike or sit without excruciating pain…it seemed to escalate after his recommendations. This is about the time I decided to look really started to realize the painbody syndrome and that it might be what is going on with me.
I have learned to use my abdominal muscles, how to walk correctly…I now have stronger abs (I mention this with irony…it is nice to know how to activate my abdominals)
I have/am learning to not be afraid…take it slow with doing the things I like…have gotten back on the bike…small rides for now….back to ballroom dancing 2 times now…back in the pool for 15mins of moderate lap work..oh swimming feels so good..the weight of my life is lifted…no worries in the world…no pain. I have always been able to walk and sleeping was never a problem most of the time. And my pain does seem to move from lower back to upper back to shoulders. Isn’t it funny how pain can disappear so quickly when doing activity you would think would increase it.
I had done extensive research on back pain, causes, cures, etc. and wanted to stay as natural as possible and knowing the mind is a powerful thing I knew I had to give Dr. Sarnos methods a try. I have read his books, watched his videos on youtube as well as others regarding painbody and this TMSWIKI site and thought how simple….yet not so simple.

It has been about a month now…but I just finished the chiropractor last week as I had invested money and liked the PT aspect…yet I was in more pain afterward….tried to use the sayings I learned from my readings… “I’ve got this, receptors…you can go to sleep…there is no danger here, it is TMS, I will call you if I need you” etc for the anxiety and pain depending on which is coming forward. Sometimes it seems to help others not…trying to do the mindfulness thing… trying to relax..as I seem to hold my stress/tension in my muscles.
I get confused, or just don’t quite have it…as to what to tell myself…or let it go and try not to think about it…as it seems to have me preoccupied most of the days…When I am busy with other people…distracted from it, it is like its not so bad..when I am at work…desk job…I seem to think about it all the time.
I have yet to figure out how to find or feel the stressors… I have tried journaling…and I can come up with issues…but don’t know if they are the stressors and what to do with it when I think it could be a reason.
I yell at myself at times…”ok pain, you can stop now…its just TMS” sometimes I think the sayings help and other times no so much…then I wonder what am I doing wrong? If there is a wrong.
Enough is enough…when will it stop.
I think to myself…if I could just find that word or phrase that will tell my brain to stop…
I want my life back… I want to feel my body is free and relaxed.

 

Welcome kjsomsun!

I suggest you might start with the TMS Recovery program, and come back to the SEP. There are exercises at the bottom of the TMS Recovery program to deepen your inquiry, if you like. This program teaches skills, attitudes, and has great recordings on the emotional workings inside, and how they are connected to TMS. Just a suggestion.

Dr. Sarno says "use your imagination" to assertain how your Inner Child might be feeling about a situation in past or present.

A simple formula for journaling and understanding is

"________________________ happened to me. My Inner Child probably feels __________________________ about it. Now, instead of feeling _____________________________, my back hurts. When my back hurts, this is trying to distract me from the feelings of _________________________________." This is very straightfoward really. It does not have to be done perfectly, nor do you have to find the perfect incident or inner feeling which triggers TMS. It is more about bringing this contemplation to your mind and heart repeatedly over time. You might have the same incident in the above work structure I wrote, but the feelings might be different every time. Even writing down and reading the same feelings is important. Repetition, patience, not being perfectionistic about the work; that is my advice.

The good news is you are very convinced that TMS is the source of your pain. Beyond that, the specifics are not hugely important in my opinion. Clarity will come with time. I hope this might help.

Andy B

 

thank you for the "simple formula" this does help clarify a new way of asking myself. Will certainly try this.

 

Day 2.
I have just read the article Back Pain and Tension Myositis Syndrome. Lot of good information. the one most prominent for me at this moment is...if you are still afraid to lift something, or do something your TMS is not cured yet....I am cautious, and refrain from somethings...this is not new and I know I am not cured yet anyway...but this brings to fore front for me...as for 40 years this cautiousness has been a part of my life...so I wonder...how long will it be before I don't think this way...this will be interesting as I want to be cured so badly...and this would be a monumental feat for me (that is my thought right now). Any thoughts geatly appreciated.

I want to say this forum is VERY helpful...full of insight...information...support...I hope I am and/or will be a source of inspiration or aid for someone else.

Thank you for creating this site...managing and keeping it going..and thank you to all that participate in sharing your challenges and your accomplishments.

Now for some reflective time using the suggestion above. Until next time.

? Am I using this forum correctly? I have never done this before...should I be using a conversation?

 

Keep being your honest, bold self. You are using the Forum correctly!

 

Here I am...it's been quite some time since I last posted anything. Over the past 2 years I have come a long way..but...there continues to be something lingering inside. I remain positive, and continue to work at it...maybe to much... let go...have faith... Sometimes it is difficult..especially when those muscles tense up and are painful...and then the anxiety pops up... and what a mery go round... I try to change my thought process from scared to exciting...visualizations being healthy and living a life full of vitality. Isn't life interesting, truly...when you can step outside yourself. Considering TMS counseling on line, as I haven't found any near by. I'm so stubborn, I want to do it myself.

 

Hi kj,

Good to hear from you after all this time....

Here is a list (at the risk of having you try harder!!!) which was recently created by MD/practitioner/TMS sufferer, which you might like.

https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/the-17-steps-that-dr-batson-took-to-heal-her-chronic-pain.22237/ (The 17 steps that Dr Batson took to heal her chronic pain)

She had a depth of troubles, but one thing she mentions is TMS counseling. I always recommend getting some outside help if a person can afford it, after giving it a good go for a few months, and not feeling like real success. This is what Dr. Sarno recommended too. So I'm glad you're considering it.

While this process may be almost effortless for some, this is not the case for most. In a way, it can be the hardest thing you can do ---perhaps other than deep relationship trauma or severe life changes. You're asking your mind to change, along with a need to "feel more" which we're afraid will be painful. So it is really not a deficiency that you might need help.

Andy

 

Thank you Andy for responding to my post. The recommended reading "The 17 steps by Dr. Batson" is very good. I so appreciate this forum and all those that contribute. "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear". I am truly grateful for all my experiences in life, at the times of discomfort it is hard to focus and/or to be appreciative..but I try and for that I am Grateful and pat my self on the back. I continue to learn and grow and experience life...working the process, gaining confidence in me. Gratefully me!