Day 9 - The Red Sweater (the day I became invisible)

When I was 6 years old I was up on stage with a dozen of my classmates preparing for a play. A teacher pointed me out on stage saying "you, the girl in the red sweater." I must have been joking and giggling. I immediately stopped and froze. I was mortified that attention was drawn to me doing something bad. I was singled out from all the other students on the stage. I no longer blended into the group.

This is the first time I remember wanting to be invisible. I didn't want to be great at something and I didn't want to be bad. I just wanted to disappear in among the others. I have wanted to be invisible all my life.....umh.

It seems like a contradiction because some things I am very very good at doing, for example, presenting on a particular topic I have an expertise in. But I know I feel that I don't want to draw attention to myself.

I never wore that red sweater again.

 

SandyRae,

Your story resonates with me because I had a similar experience with a teacher at age 5. I decided to become non expressive of my emotions, mainly excitement, at that moment of being not only called out for being a normal 5 year old happily anticipating a fun classroom activity, but I was isolated in a separate room by the teacher while the rest of the class had fun. The experience shut me down from my feelings and caused me to bury excitement so deep that it later turned into anxiety and TMS.

I am much more expressive now and accepting of who I am but I see from now re-journaling my feelings about your post and my experience that belong invisible was another agenda I chose.

Thanks for writing about this event. The Structured Ed Program has been so helpful to me in peeling away so many layers of the onion to reach my authentic self. I am still working on all the emotional content of my life after several months and discover new information and feelings all the time. As a person past 60 years of age, I have a lot of material to work with.

Keep up the great work you are doing. It is all so valuable to you, but also to those of us with whom you share your own discovery process.

Susan

 

Wow, I remember my kindergarden teacher yelling at me--yes I was talking out of turn about something exciting. I will never forget how she yelled my name. This was something I had buried for eons and it only came back to me a few years ago during a journaling session. So I was working in a particular program at that point and the leader was a psychologist (the program emphasized the value of journaling and even gave you the best style to use to uncover and resolve issues). So I asked her what would I take away from an experience like this kindergardener being yelled at? How do I end my journaling session on a positive when I can't see anything positive in it? She said to me "this incident was not about YOU, Lori. She had her own issues, and she lashed out at you for some reason. How about a simple "I choose to heal this hurt now"." That was what I used to soften this experience and be able to view it differently. I have not forgotten about it but it doesn't hurt now. The progress here for me is the experience now brings up NO emotion; it was something that happened to me and I've forgiven her for yelling at me. And for myself, well, I was very excited about something--and I was just a little kid! I love that I wanted to share this with my friend who was sitting next to me. So I let myself off the hook!

Teachers really don't realize the influence they are on kids. But this is why when doing self-discovery work it's important to think of anyone we viewed as an authority and how their opinions or comments, spoken or implied, affect(ed) us.

I think it's great that these memories come back to us so we can choose to view them differently and take a new lesson from them that can change our lives for the better.

HUGS