Day 40 Self monitoring problems

I can forgive much of what has happened in the past, and I can reason that people did not mean to cause the harm they did. But what I am having a huge problem with is now. If someone upset me in the past I did not do much about it, I just internalised the pain, and suffered. Now I know that is where all the pain came from - I do NOT want any more. But people are getting to me and upsetting and making me angry. Part of me just wants to keep away from them - and live my own life - if they can't play nice - then I won't play! But I know it will be hurtful to them. I also know they don't understand the whole TMS thing. They just expect me to be as usual. But I can't. So what do I do?
This has been a big setback for me - the pain is back with a vengeance and it is hard to expel. I know I have to deal with it.
I also realised when reading the self monitoring stuff that I have had 'people' thrust at me all my life. My dad was taken from me and then loads of 'step relatives' appeared who I had to accept. I went to 12 different schools - and moved loads of times, so I have constantly had 'new people' to deal with , with all their expectations that I felt I 'had' to fulfil. This only just struck me doing this today - so it is not surprising that I just want to hide from 'people' (particularly relatives!) It is how I feel - but is it a good way to deal with the situation? Any advice?

 

I just think it is so great that you are becoming aware of all of this. I know how hard it is but try to stay really focused on what you need, how you are feeling. It is absolutely not selfish to give yourself what you need. You are obviously a very loving and generous person but your body and health are not going to allow you not to put yourself in there. I recommend you start with just becoming really aware of when you feel pressured or are not comfortable participating in ways others expect. Be kind to yourself if you are not able to change the situation all at once. Caroline Myss(a fabulous medical intuitive) describes this as our energy bank. We have to become aware of when those around us are draining our bank. Sometimes it can be as simple as a conversation. And we also need to be aware of what fills the bank - time out for yourself, a conversation with a close friend etc etc. If there are people in your life that are really draining your bank, you don't have to cut them out, but you do need to find some kind of a balance. Learning how to set boundaries with close family members can take a lot of effort but it is worth it. My husband goes out on Monday nights to play shuffleboard and have a few drinks. I realized that we tended to get in arguments when he came home on Mondays. It really took it out of me for the week. I had to put my foot down and insist he just not talk to me at all when he got home on Mondays. He kind of made a joke about it and took it to an extreme(not saying one word to me). But in the end it has worked so much better. You have to decide what you need and take care of yourself. I know it feels like we need to respond but I am sure we are the personality types that respond plenty to others needs.

 

Awesome advice, Anne.

Hecate, I was taught how to "shield" myself from negativity and neediness by practicing a meditation that you use while the other person is talking to you (or "at" you as is so often the case). You simply visualize circles of white light building up around you, protecting you from the negative energy, and when you are fully protected, you project something positive back out - while still protecting yourself from their negativity and/or neediness. If the person is someone you truly care about, you can project your love. If it is someone you don't actually care about or need to have in your life, you can project a positive desire for them to heal. In both cases, you can also give yourself permission to disengage in a way that works for the relationship.

 

Thank you both, I will try.

 

I think it is okay to not talk to anyone that isn't helping you. I currently divide people into those that push me forward and those that hold me back. The people in the latter category I don't need to carry right now. If I get my life to a better place I can revisit this. Keep in mind that dealing with TMS is a huge burden and you can give yourself a break.

 

That's a good divide to make! I'm starting to get more comfortable with putting myself first - I have to get healed and that is my priority. Thanks!