If I had posted this morning it would have been a real bummer note. Journaling, talking and perspective gives me insight and more confidence as the day moved on. I continue to talk with my husband. He is seeing sides of me never seen and many I have hidden from myself. Dr. Dave Clarke's book has been very insightful. He says "Children learn how to control their feelings so effectively they feel almost nothing. These buried emotions can be so strong that the mind must express them through the body if there is no other outlet." I may have an angry feeling and within a nanosecond it has moved from my head into my body as physical pain. I am in the "feel almost nothing" category because it happens so quickly. Now after reading, educating myself, and journaling I feel a slight inkling that it has happened. The notice I am given is physical pain absolutely no emotion. Dr. Clarke says that surviving a dysfunctional home can also cause people to have a number of significant problems. I got married at 17 years old. He was an alcoholic. But he wanted me when no one else did. Certainly not my parents. Thank goodness I married a wonderful man 12 years later who has been very supportive of me for almost 30 years. Another point on his list is self-mutilation. I told my husband about this and sobbed during the telling. I had never discussed this with anyone. I was in junior high. I never knew why I did it. I didn't understand it at all. Dr. Clarke says it can provide a way to feel something and can serve as a distraction from emotional pain. It seems like it has been a deep dark terrible secret I have never discussed. But now that the deep dark terrible secret is out I can talk about it. I can stand back and examine what happened. After the discussion with my husband I felt like I was so damaged I didn't know if I was ever going to be able to find my way out of this dark hole. But now I feel better. It is just another page to turn in the book. It is just opening the widow a little bit more to let in the light.