Day 10 and aware of some important stuff, but I can't do anything about it

Ok so I've been thinking psychologically and paying attention to when symptoms are better and worse etc... Basically my life right now revolves around music and being in a band. I play in a 5 piece rock band and I'm one of 2 singer songwriters in the group. The truth is that I fluxuate back and worth on an almost daily basis between being excited about the band, and resenting it. Resenting the work, resenting the dynamics of the relationships within the band, the pressure to perform, the financial pressure (we are in debt), the pressure to write songs and perform well. I realize all this is self imposed pressure.. I think?
Yet the trouble is, Music is the thing that I am best at, I am a good singer and I have written some really good songs. My band is doing well on a local level and has potential to do really well. We are planning on touring across Canada repeatedly starting in March 2013 when our 2nd album comes out. This is exciting as we finally get to embrace the lifestyle and see where it goes, but it also scares me. The whole thing scares the hell out of me I think. But its so hard to know what is going on unconciously.
The pain in my arms makes it difficult to function fully as a band member and as a songwriter.. I find myself insecure, very insecure of myself within the band.
Before I got pain, I got anxiety and depression directly after a trauma resulting from music. I went out to Toronto to persue a career in music at the age of 19 and was badly robbed, had a girlfriend back home that I was all mixed up with emotionally, and basically had a nightmare time over there. Since then I've lost a lot of the confidence that I possessed as a youth. It also changed my relationship to music and made it tainted with a lot of pain.
Obviously I'm onto something major here.. but the question is what the hell can I do about it ? I'm in no position to leave the band, and the thought is terrifying.. my entire identity as a person is as a musician/singer/songwriter. Quitting is a very terrifying thought... any suggestions ?

 

All that comes to mind is to keep working your program, journal, and take it one day at a time. The answers will come.

 

Yikes, Daniel! These are big life issues, indeed! It sounds like you need someone, or some way, to help you sort through all this stuff. Here are some self-help resources that come to mind:

Learn about the concept of Existential Psychotherapy - one of our member practitioners, Peter Zafirides, has a great web site, and this podcast from April introduces us to this therapy concept: http://www.thehealthymind.com/2012/04/18/existential-therapy-how-anxiety-leads-to-physical-pain/

And check out the rest of his website, as well - lots of good stuff.

By the way, Dr. Z will be the guest practitioner at next Saturday's webinar (9/15/12) - here is the link with the information on how to participate: http://tmswiki.org/forum/threads/dr-zafirides-webinar-on-sept-15th.564/ and I think that Forest is still looking for people who want to talk to Dr. Z during the webinar! Dr. Z joined us today for the regular Saturday online "chat" and he's looking forward to doing the webinar. You do need to be available next Saturday at 3pm Eastern time if you're interested in participating. Otherwise, Forest will post the audio later.

Next, listen to the audio archives of the two webinars we held this summer with Alan Gordon:

June 9: http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/june-9-drop-in-chat-with-alan-gordon-lcsw.340/
July 21: http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/thread...th-alan-gordon-lcsw-on-july-21.439/#post-3620
(downloadable mp3 is at http://tmswiki.org/dl/GordonWebinar120721.mp3

These are about two hours each, and worth every minute of the time you spend on them. Alan talks a lot about the inner bully and gives techniques for dealing with it - I believe that might resonate with you, you think? I got even more out of the second one after I had learned about the core existential issues of Isolation, Freedom, Meaning, and Mortality, so be sure to listen to Dr. Z first.

I also recommend reading some recent posts by our therapist practitioners and an author. In the Search box, type any of these names into the "posted by member" sub-box to find their good stuff:

Alan Gordon
Peter Zafirides
Derek Sapico
Steve Ozanich (TMS author)

And read other posts. Put "internal bully" into the search box, to find lots of great discussions on this topic alone.

Awareness of your internal conflicts, including the ambivalence about your current situation, is half the battle. That's the good news. Next comes awareness of how these conflicts result in repressed emotions that come from your core issues, followed by how that repression causes your pain. You also have to learn how to stop beating yourself up.

So you're well on the way, especially because you're here!

Keep posting, we're all in this together.

Jan

 

Thank-you so much for the responses. I will get to all these links eventually. I just got back from a weekend of playing with the band (a wedding and then a festival), and what do you know.. right now I feel totally committed to the band and happy to be in it.. It's amazing how fast I seem to be able to flip flop from emotion to emotion about it.
I'm not gonna be able to make the Saturday at 3:00 as I'll be away playing another show, but I will download it and tune in later.. Thanks again ! Had a good day day

 

I'm listening to the downloadable mp3 right now, being at minute 21 approx.

I keep thinking about these inner rages I have.
I've always wanted to beat somebody up really badly, someone who angered me in school for a long time,
which was 15 years ago.
And the rage against many people there and even this absolute f*** society around the city I don't live anymore
went even further.
But there's no way to act on it, independent on who told me this.
I always hear: "My parents told me not to...."
That's right, but most of the time it's common sense, not to act on these feelings of immeasurable rage.

I can remeber being in the woods one day, already not feeling well with my arms,
but I took a wooden stick, and hitting at all kinds of plants, some of which even thick as a tabletennisball, until
all was torn to shreds. It looked like some kind of battlefield.
I had blood on my hands from hitting so hard, but I felt relieved somehow.
But I cannot do something like that everyday, allthough feeling like I needed to.

It's so much in our world today that I hate, detest and really want to see gone.
But again, I'm aware of that and I can't act on it all the way I want to.
I'll listen to the remaining 50 minutes of the mp3 now, hoping for more insight.
I had to write this in between.

P.S.
I have something to tell you, Daniel, as well:
If you don't already do so, try to put all your emotions into the lyrics of your/your band's songs.
It might be one of the best ways to express what you feel, and I can say for myself, that
listening to good music, with lyrics that seem to me as meant to be my words and singing along,
is relieving so much stress.
Some of the bands I listen to are even tagged as "emo" which makes them some kind of
knights fighting against TMS's symptoms I think ;-)