can't get through this episode

Three weeks ago I experienced one week of pain relief. The usual pains returned gradually over the following week so I thought I'd take some bigger recovery steps and start the 30-day program and pick up another Sarno book (Healing Back Pain). Next day my back pain and chest/neck tension skyrocketed. I saw it as the brain's reaction to my healing attempts, and almost took it with a giggle.

It has now been 5 days since the "backlash" pain has started and it's becoming REALLY hard to stay positive and focused and keep believing it's just TMS, it's just the brain, and it WILL go away. I'm having spasms and muscle clenching through my entire right leg so bad I can't walk without a limp, can't run, can't bend at the back, can't even find relief from the pain in any position. I am supposed to be running a marathon next month.

I don't know what to do. I'm reading a lot. I'm acknowledging my current stressors in life. I'm TRYING to not be fearful and to resume normal activity. Except for the fact that I can't WALK. In fact, I felt like I had a break through the other day. I discussed some tough things with my partner, and it went really well, and I felt I had some emotional relief from that. No help with my pain though. It seems like nothing I do helps. I worry I'm trying too hard. So I do less. And then the pain gets worse. I feel that I know myself and my emotions and angers and fears fairly well. I'm sure I have deep seeded rage, but I also have plenty of conscious "unacceptable" emotions that I have come to acknowledge in my TMS journey. I'm pretty emotional and am often aware of the irrational worries and thoughts I have... I'm not hiding these emotions from myself or keeping things bottled up, as is typical in a TMSer. I don't know what else I'm supposed to dig up and acknowledge.

 

For me, running a marathon isn't exactly a part of normal activity! I wonder what would happen if you decided not to run that marathon? Would you feel relieved, or would it make you even angrier?

I hear you on the limp, alas. I've had a limp for months now, and I'm so flipping tired of it!

 

I've been wanting to run the marathon for over a year, but something always prevents me from signing up... working too much, not enough time to train, won't be in town, injury.... but I realized the largest thing holding me back all this time has been FEAR: fear that I'll get an "injury", fear that TMS will be bad on the day of, or the weeks leading up to it. So I actually just signed up for it last week as a way to show my brain that I'm not afraid anymore.

So I think backing out would be defeat in this case. But I hear you on relief sometimes being a good thing. I'm not on the schedule for work this week (their decision, not mine) and it feels like a blessing! But at the same time, I don't want to baby my TMS and allow myself to not go to work, not exercise, etc. I mean, a day here and there is important for self compassion, but not regularly.

Best of wishes with overcoming your limp!

 

Thanks!

 

This could help

https://audioboom.com/posts/7173184-057-kevin-martillo-viner-phd?fbclid=IwAR1CxclQBTuxw9OumREHNhwRIcY_2wKTHcUQa5bW77_fiUvHT897Bv7T8NA (Audioboom / 057 - Kevin Martillo Viner, PhD)