When I was 34 I broke up with my partner and I feel sad about it. We had a seven year relationship and we were engaged the last year. I did the engagement in bad faith which is probably the worst thing I've done but I have some sympathy for myself because I just felt like I had no resources. It was a desperate way to gain time and I kept thinking that my health would resolve itself soon. That I'd be able to get out of it without too much harm being done. The actual breakup was very difficult for me to do. I tried and my heart would race too much for me to talk. It's a bit strange but I had the same experience when I tried to ask out my first girlfriend. I just hate the way you can let out a few words and suddenly everything can change. It makes life seem too flimsy and like not much held things together in the first place. I know that I wanted things to change but I just felt much more should be involved. And I think that in other relationships probably much more is involved including fights, reunions, etc. But I didn't have the strength to really do too much of that stuff. Although we did go to couples therapy for over a year. I did try as well as I could. I feel like my whole life has been trying but with minimal reward. Sexually we had been in a bad place. We'd had sex a bit less than monthly for most of the relationship and none at all that last year. Again I can't begin to figure out where the problem was. I know that I desired sex more than her but some of that was just my image of what I wanted. Actually having sex was difficult for me because of my TMS. And because of that I'm sure it lessened the experience for her. The TMS also shut many of my emotions down so that would have made it harder to connect with me. All I know is that it wasn't working. I don't know what we could have done differently. I haven't been in touch with her for the past couple of years and my guess is that she doesn't have positive feelings about me. Not that she thinks I'm a bad person but that I wasted years of her life. My first girlfriend said that to me when we were breaking up and that was after only a bit over a year. I hate that people's summary of me can make me so meaningless.