Breakthrough - hope it can help someone else.

Hey guys! I haven't been around much lately... preparing for huge life changes. But I was listening to an Alan Watts lecture this morning that sparked a free-write journaling session. What sparked it was when he spoke about how a person might flatter themselves as being dutiful. In an instant I asked myself why it flatters me (serves me) to feel helpless and let others make decisions for me (or at least I believe they do...) I realized that in letting (blaming?) others make decisions for me I am alleviating the anxiety that having to make a decision causes. Why am I so afraid of making a decision? Because I could be wrong. And being wrong means a threat to my existence. I feel unworthy of my existence because my brother died. I almost died like he did and so now I feel the need to prove myself continuously. If I am questioned, or challenged or made to be wrong I feel threatened; I feel as if my very existence is being questioned. So I react out of anger and fear and snap at people, and am rude, etc...

This pattern was perpetuated by my marriage, I was always having to defend myself, always having to argue my worth. Alan Gordon's session with me revealed my need for external validation and that has been on my mind since we spoke. I realized that my need for external validation stems from my needing others to validate my worthiness to exist, because I could not.

It is also perpetuated at work. I am constantly being pulled aside and asked to explain my methods, challenged and questioned so everyday I am at work I'm striving to prove myself.

And this all comes down to the feeling that I don't deserve to exist. It seems to be at the root of a lot of my maladaptive behaviors.

TMS wise, being tired makes it so I can't accomplish everything I want (need) to accomplish, which proves my unworthiness. So in effect, being tired = unworthiness. So I prove to myself everyday that I don't deserve to exist. I subconsciously reproduce the circumstances that perpetuate my patterns of unworthiness to prove it, so I can fight against it.

So now the question is, how do I stop reproducing these patterns and let my worthiness sink in?

 

Hi Layne.
Insight is a good thing! Another member of this forum mentioned the Self Acceptance Project http://live.soundstrue.com/selfacceptance/event.php#
I've only listened to one of the interviews so far, but found it helpful. It may help you to allow your "worthiness to sink in." I think most TMSers have trouble with that.
Blessings to you in your search.

 

I've been following it since week 1 I have all the episodes on my iPhone and listen to various ones frequently. The event is absolutely amazing.

 

You already took the biggest step Layne! The primary step to changing any pattern is recognizing its existence. Now you have to be on constant alert for circumstances where the unwanted pattern is likely to occur and make a conscious effort toward prevention. What works best for me (but is also admittedly the hardest thing to do) is any time I find myself about to act (or realizing that it's in progress) on instinct, I stop and question the instinct. If it's my gut, I follow it (because this is the instinct I'm patterned to override & then regret). If it's habitual pattern I make a conscious effort to do the opposite of whatever I would have done automatically. Eventually the pattern will change. I keep reminding myself that doing what I always do gets me where it always has, and since I'm not crazy about the destination I'm better off to try a different route.

Incidentally, until you are able to recognize your own tremendous worthiness, please, please take my word for it! You are an intelligent, compassionate, worthy, lovable person and I'm proud to call you my friend! You make my life better!

 

Gigi.

Thanks for on-line link to Self Acceptance Project.

http://live.soundstrue.com/selfacceptance/event.php#

Just listened to Rick Hanson's 'Taking In The Good'.

Highly recommend.

Pete

 

Thank you for your super sweet post, Leslie!!! Your suggestions are really helpful and I am going to start implementing them in my recovery. I especially appreciate the part about questioning whether or not it's your guy speaking! So helpful.