Back to square one… Need some advice

So, just passed my seven month mark at my job. Was in a very stressful position with content writing, and then moved over to blog just this month. I thought maybe that would help quell some of my stress, and bring down some of the pain that has resurfaced, but unfortunately, it has not. Yes, the holidays were stressful, because I am a mother and a grandmother, and all of the giftgiving and baking, cleaning, plus going to seven parties, was a lot to deal with. That is over, and there was stress with my job, because the end of the month is typically when we need to make sure that every blog has been posted and every client, (3600), has it least one blog written and posted. So this week, was all about posting blogs daily, which is a lot of copying and pasting and writing, that becomes very repetitive.

Unsurprisingly, this week has seen a lot of strain on my muscles, no matter what I have done to try and relax them, they got really bad to where I’ve been in bed most the day today, because yesterday, after work, my daughter-in-law came over with my granddaughter, and while she was helping take down Christmas decorations, I was helping with my granddaughter, who is a very mobile eight-month-old, that loves to jump and be all over the place. That tends to put stress on my shoulder and rib muscles, namely my shoulder blades and the ribs, right under the breast bone; this is on top of being at a computer 8 hours a day.

Anyway, I know it’s TMS, however, the tricks are not working and the brain is really trying to distract me - just not sure why right now. I’ve been having to use my heating pad, icy/hot, ibuprofen, and that is barely putting a dent in the pain. I have been seeing my therapist exclusively and consistently for the last two years, and she has worked through a number of traumas. I feel like, at this point, I’m going around in circles, and I can’t seem to break the cycle. I have tried to get a hold of the TMS doctor, but no success, and there is not one in my state. I’m really not sure what to do at this point, keep thinking maybe I need to not do full-time work, and yet I feel like if I quit, it will just reinforce my brain that there something wrong with me. However, I can’t work like this and be in pain, every day as well. I have gone back to the books, journaling, I’m even doing meditation, I’m working with my therapist, and doing my daily mantras.

My pain is about a 6-7, how it’s consistently been for quite a while now. I’m really not sure if I can heal 100 percent, because it it has taken so long for me to get to this point, but it feels like I’m going backwards again. I know I’m not the only one who deals with this, or who has dealt with this, but it’s getting really frustrating and I’m losing hope. A number of you have been very helpful in the past, especially you Plum, and maybe you could help me to figure out what’s going on now. I’m really tired of fighting and battling this. And for a while, I let things go and didn’t work as hard, thinking that would help. Alas, it hasn’t and I just keep thinking why can’t TMS just go away like so many successes I see here? It doesn’t help that my neice’s husband just passed last night of my worst fear - cancer - at a young 38-years of age.

I just thought of something and would appreciate any insights - I told my therapist that I was tired of being a victim and was ready to forgive. Is it possible my brain doesn’t want this and is keeping me distracted so I don’t focus on it?

TIA.

 

Hi Jules,

I'm sorry to hear you're having a relapse! At this point, my best advice would be to give it some time and to reflect on your feelings around the holidays, and around the end of another year.

December and the holidays are hard on all of us, even though we do our best to make them "perfect" (ahhh, yes). The short dark days, bad weather, and especially the current state of the world don't help any of this. Many of us are not at all sure that 2018 will be at all happy. I now that's affecting me and causing a lot of symptoms lately.

Add the death of your nieces' young husband, and you've got the perfect recipe for a relapse.

Reflect on all of these things, let the negative thoughts come to the surface, don't ever forget that your brain is trying its best to keep you thinking negatively and worrying about danger - and give yourself a break.

And check back in next year! LOL.

~Jan

 

Jules,

I agree with Jan. Given the time of year and the season's darkness (literal and metaphorical), I think it's worth doing your best to let things be. I've also had a flare-up and my husband is going through the worst patch in ages. I believe it's an interplay of factors and to that end I've upped the ante in terms of compassion and cognitive soothing (kind self talk), and am resting less on my go-to other methods.

I'm sure the tension bubble will pop (along with countless champagne corks) tonight as the ambient stress of the holidays finally begins to diminish.

I've reached the point where I couldn't care less what games TMS is playing. I'm surrendering the whole shebang, at least for the time being.

Let's see what the next couple of weeks bring and touch base then to see if things have eased off for us all. I'm sure they will but if they haven't we can chat about what to do next.

Sending you some love and a big ole virtual bear hug xxx

 

Jules,
My only suggestion is that you practice, every moment the pain comes up, a repetitive "think psychologically" practice: "This pain is occurring so I don't feel _______________." Let whatever comes up as you fill in the blank of this phrase. It could be the same item like "rage about working all the time" for even a hundred times in one day. The content of what "we don't want to feel" is not so important as the practice of turning to TMS understanding every time, to the best of our ability. And you don't need to figure it out, or follow the thread. It can be a new mantra! Maybe you want to tune into a better prompt for yourself also. But it should be very basic, very repetitive, in my opinion. There is no silver bullet except steadfast practice of the very basics which the Good Dr. gave us. Each person makes there way out of this hell at their own pace. There is nothing wrong, and nothing you can be doing better, except, perhaps, practicing the basics...
With Support,
Andy

 

I believe the answer to your question is "yes". This is an important insight and shows you are on the road to recovery. The shift from being a victim is a huge change in thinking, feeling and being, and requires major re-wiring of the brain. From my experience, this is very hard work that requires patience, persistence, self-awareness, and much self-compassion. But it is very critical in achieving recovery from TMS. It's great that you have a therapist to assist you with this.

Yes, this is difficult, exhausting, frustrating work, but it is the key to recovery. You are on the right path. Don't give up. You can do this. We are all rooting for you, Jules.

 

Hi Jules ,

i can totally relate to your dissapointment and feeling ‘back to square one.
Just hoping its not the case
The whole holiday season had me doing my own large topic here on the wiki because upperback and shoulder neckpain is freaking me out at this moment.
I am hoping Plum is right and we need just a bit more time to get past this fase ‘
I was kinda hoping that just getting rid of the Christmas tree today would free me at once : but it did not so far.
Hope the ‘quiet stilness of januari will put our stresslevels back to normal and let the pains go away !