Day 2 Angry and Sad

Journal exercise:

Three things that make me angry:

1. I wish I made more money
2. I wish I had a safer childhood
3. I wish I didn't yell at my kids

Three things that make me sad:

1. I get overwhelmed so easily
2. I don't feel like a strong person
3. Memories of my childhood and how lonely I was


I had some numbness and butt tightness, pain last night and today even though I was going to fun things, church and a party.....I had a hard time identifying what was bothering me. I see now. 1) I hate rushing to be on time, and I resent myself and my family when we are up against the clock. I feel so much pressure to be on time. 2) Groups of people are tension-producing for me, I finally realized how I compare myself to everyone in order to come up on the bottom. I watched my mind try to do it over and over again. There is a part of my mind that really hates me. In order to avoid this constant stream of criticism, I try to control and be perfect in every interaction. It exhausts me.

There was a toddler behind me in church making a lot of noise today, and I got really angry. Then I felt totally ashamed that I was mad about it. I did some breathing and realized this is part of trying to be perfect--needing to hear what the minister was saying. Half the solution is just slowing down and going with the flow. I did some breathing and thought about how sweet the baby noises were. I let myself remember what it felt like when my boys were that age. It felt good.

I worry so much about being a good parent....and of course I beat myself up all day about it. I don't always have tolerance for their repetitive annoying behaviors or their short memories. I deeply resent how disengaged my husband is, he either doesn't notice a lot or he over-reacts. But it's interesting, when I can admit these feelings to myself, then I ask myself, "okay, so if you knew none of you had to be perfect, what then?" and I calm down.

Trusting in the flow of my life is different than forcing myself to like all of it.

 

Susan,

Wow, you seem very honest and insightful. I so identify with the perfectionism and the beating myself up over almost anything and everything. I finished the SED and go back and "shop" around and redo portions. Day 19 asked about a personality trait. As I wrote about perfectionism I made a numbered list with each item starting with "A perfect person would...by my 7th item I finished with "get real". The items after that were more real.

I, too, was lonely as a child but a perfect person puts on a good face and hides the pain. You will find that as the Ed program progresses you will be even more honest with yourself. My last item on the perfect person list of traits was, it is sad to be a perfect person; better to be messy and real.

You are on your way to healing. I will follow your progress as you continue to post.

We are so glad to have you join us.

Susan

 

Thank you, Susan. Thank you so much! I am really just writing these out for me, I want to get better so badly. But it is really nice to hear such positive feedback. I feel like a total mess inside right now. I'm a pretty (I thought) aware person, I actually thought I was making some progress on the perfectionism front. But my acute attack in May (on Mother's Day, more later!) was the worst thing I've ever gone through physically. It has taken that long to realize I was carrying back pain for my Mom, who was going into surgery for stenosis a few weeks later. I also was trying to be a good friend to someone who I found out fits all the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder, and who happened to mention in August that she has Raynaud's disease. That got my attention because I've had numbness in my foot for several months. I mentioned it to my therapist, who suggested this site. Kablammmmo! I feel like I'm at ground zero. It's pretty scary to see how much anger and fear I have going at any moment, how high my expectations are, how I go to bed almost every night feeling like a failure. It's the perfect storm of perimenopause, my kids being the same age I was when my parents divorced, being married the same amount of time as my parents when they divorced.....truthfully, and I haven't said this to anyone, I feel stuck and in a dark place with it all. I am the kind of person who puts a brave face on everything, so for me to admit that is new. But it must mean I have hope too. Again, my gratitude to you!

 

You're doing great work, SusanG - and the other Susan too! I'm really glad you've both joined this community.

SusanG, I finally got around to welcoming you on your first post, it was a really good one! I'm looking forward to hearing more from you!

Jan

 

Susang,

You are welcome!

As you begin the program and up level what has been buried it can be quite scary. Remind yourself in a kind way that these emotions and thoughts are normal. Tell your unconscious mind these thoughts and emotions are normal and it does not need to protect you from experiencing them. Anxiety can be a big part of TMS.

You will get better. Hold that thought. As I said, I did the SED and I got Howard 's book, Unlearn Your Pain. His program, too, is excellent. You can do both together. Schubiner also has a great meditation CD with his book. It has four tracks and I get so relaxed when I listen to track#1 each morning. Mindfulness keeps you focused on the now and not on the past or future. I am so much better than I was even a month ago. The program works. Allow yourself the time to let it work in you.

Thanks, too, Jan.

Best,

Susan

 

Thank you Susan for some reason my caps isn't working...but I would have put an exclamation mark there. and here. score one for releasing perfect[/quote]

 

A part of my mind really hates me, too. I truly believe that I am my own worst enemy. Learning self-compassion and loving kindness to myself are huge challenges that I know I must master if I am ever going to feel better. Plus, I push myself to perfection in so many things. It's no wonder that child inside is so infuriated!

I found an interesting book yesterday that is now sitting in my Amazon cart: The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brene Brown.