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A story about sex, drugs and TMS

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by Hungry82, Nov 10, 2012.

  1. Hungry82

    Hungry82 New Member

    I'm in trouble. Let me tell you a story about a very clever relapse.

    I had a wonderful time as a student. Having free money (student loan), having no trouble in school (tutoring others), and having a pretty good time. See, I was part of an organisation to make international interns have a good time. Every 5 to 10 months a new group of foreign friends. We made trips together. We partied. Sex and drugs were involved on purpose, because I knew it would come in handy one day when I had to have a catchy topic title.

    Before my student time, I was very sick for a few years. It caused physical stomach problems. I had to puke daily. Eating was not fun. I was weak and had to delay my studies for a few years.

    Before I was sick, I had shoulder and back pain for years. But during my sickness, I had time to find out about TMS, do the work, and have a textbook recovery from pain in about two months.

    When I was finally cured through the magic of time, I needed a few years to switch from sad and socially deprived to happy and interactive. The years from sickness to happiness made me lose many valuable years of my youth, so I tried to make up for it the last years studying, as described in the first paragraph. See what I did there? I thought it'd be best if I started out in a happy setting, that's why I let go of the chronological order of events.

    Today is about 12 years later, from pain to sick to study to work. I am a working man for 3 years now. But a new TMS relapse sympton that has been lurking in the shadows had grown in power to the point where it destroys me. Like an evil spirit claiming I had enough care-free years and it's over now.

    See, whenever I try do to something that involves me doing what I USED to do - going on a trip, meeting with unknown people, or my far-away-living sister even - I get sick in the stomach. So bad, I can't even eat one bite of bread or an apple. Sick and terribly hungry at the same time. Just like when I was sick for real all those years ago. Purely psychosomatic this time because there's nothing wrong with me, but then again there is: TMS. Exactly what should be prevented - me being afraid to do something out of my daily schedule - is what caused this problem to become big. But this is different from the backpain. It's very hard to do work and continuously gauge the effect, when you don't have any problem in your daily life at home or at work.

    So without a manifestation to have imagery interaction with, I can only address the psychology of things. And oh boy am I in trouble.

    Psychology of things

    It is not hard to identify my troubles. As a student, life was good. But now, I work, I have no time, no money and no(t many) friends. For years, most of my friends were interns who stayed in my country temporarily. And now I don't have that anymore. It has a sense of the 'old days', when I was sick. When I severed contacts with most friends because even if they wanted to visit me, I knew that a sick person laying down most of the time is not a fun friend and I did not want people to remember me like that. I was alone a lot then too.

    I have more and more regrets that I missed those late teens early twenties. I'm nearly 30 now. Game's over. My daily routine is boring and whenever I try to break the routine, I get sick in the stomach. Especially when I have to deal with (new) people, although that is exactly what I miss and what I used to do on a daily basis! My collegues, sorta-friends and siblings all have relationships and/or kids. I am alone a lot, just like before.

    Most things bore me. I don't want to go to some silly event to get to know new people anymore. They are all boring. There's two groups. One group is happily interested in boring stuff, and the other group is still playing the dating game we play in our twenties, except now only the ones everyone would normally reject are left. Boring single guys and desparate single girls who lower their standars. I don't know how they do it, I'd rather be alone than lower my standards to the level of a pretend-relationship. Engaged and married couples have usually closed the friendship auctions because their lives are complete and busy.

    I've seen much. Some happiness and a lot of drama. I've been sick and healthy. I've seen sex, drugs and violence. I've met people all over the world. I've been nearly killed twice. I've seen other people die. I've jumped out of airplanes. And now I barely get excited and just want to stay in my bed so that I don't have to meet people. Someone still owes me those early 20s I missed. I'd get out of bed for them. Sometimes I feel this is the stage of life where you're just working until your time is over.

    I know it's easy to regard this as a "quarterlife crisis". But I have a job for 3 years now and I've been living on my own for 10 years. So the "fear of not finding a job, fear of coping without parental help" commonly described by this crisis are not exactly what I am talking about here. Although I've had the "feeling of mortality and how much time is left" as described by mid-life crisis pretty much every year at one point or another ever since I was sick. I think I have always been afraid of exactly this moment. Working, missing life.

    Smile

    There there. It feels good to say that. It ain't always like that though. Sometimes there's a smile on my face. Sometimes, I meet people even if I'd rather sleep through the weekend. Because I know I have to change some things. But today, I skipped a roadtrip because I knew I was gonna feel sick the rest of the weekend.

    But how, my dear reader who should earn a medal for still reading, how the hell am I going to change when every attempt is countered with a punch of psychosomatic stomach sickness?
    How am I going to meet the love of my life when the meeting people part of my life is over, when my generation is saturated with relationships and kids even, when I have grown tired of the meeting people game? So much efford. It takes at least a year and then it breaks. It's rare to find a compatible personality, and it hurts when it breaks.
    How am I going to become a millionaire when I don't have time to make the plan?

    I need food for thought. I need variables and facts in order to make permutations about the possibility of happiness. I think that only then will my mind be sufficiently busy not to require the psychosomatic stomach problems anymore. Any thoughts, input and jokes are appreciated.

    I need time OR money. Either one would give me some peace. But it's the same thing, sort of.
    Like I need energy or mass. I need space or time. Blahblah.

    Thanks for your attention and I'll leave you with the worst nerd-TMS-joke:

    Why does an Ext4 filesystem never have TMS?
    Because it's a journaling file system! Bwahahahah1
     
  2. Lori

    Lori Well known member

    LOL at your last comment.

    I'll zero in on one thing you mentioned: WHY do you get sick to your stomach when those things you list come up? There is more to this and it is worth exploring in my opinion. I would choose one you listed and just write about how you FEEL (not think--FEELING here is what you're after). Angry? Sad? Afraid? This can uncover something that can help tremendously. It takes time and may take more than one session of writing. (just putting out ideas here)

    Also, regarding wanting the time back it reminds me of someone close to me for whom the song "Wasted Years" by Iron Maiden resonates; he is filled with regrets over past decisions and what could have been. I think many of us have that to some extent, but the past is the past. The pain of it is: we cannot get it back. The good part is we can move forward and create new paths. Believe me, I know what a difficult reckoning these 2 statements can be!

    Keep on trekking. I do believe we all can have a happy life. Will it be perfect? Of course not! But that's ok!
     
  3. Hungry82

    Hungry82 New Member

    Why I get sick to my stomach. Maybe it's me thinking I go back to the way it was when I was really sick, being lonely. I was never too social to begin with, but I had a life ahead of me. Part of the therapy I gave myself to cure the backpain was deciding and knowing that I would force myself into social events when I would go back to university. And I became one of the key people in this network where students get to know each other. I lowered my guard of hiding myself and I had a genuinely good time being me.

    But now I am not sick. It is just life that prevents this. I need to spend time paying the rent and paying back my student loan in stead of making me and fellow students having a good year, while at the same time the window of opportunity to meet new people and build new relationships is closing much quicker than I had anticipated.

    I think I actually become nervous now in stead of just myself, when I need to meet new people. As if that one weekend needs to compete with the past four years.

    The problem is, with self therapy, there are two kinds of stressors. The one where you need to change something that pisses you off. Like I did 10 years ago. And the one where you cannot change it and you need to learn to accept it. I'm not very good with that last one.

    So all of them apply here. Angry about the missed years and the fact that I didn't make more of myself. Sad about my current daily routine without many friends and a feeling of being left behind (although I'm native here, my student friends were not), and afraid I will end up alone and even more bored.

    Your Iron Maiden reference has some merit, but at the moment I don't have time to waste my time searching for those wasted years. :p
    But I do need to waste some time finding the right angle and see if I can let some steam out of the pot with potatoes that I have to cook wether I like them or not.
     

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