Amybaby

9 years ago in the span of 5months, my fourth child was born, my father was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer, and my husband took a new job in Tennessee. These were the big changes. In the meantime I am a stay at home Pastor's wife who home schools all four kids. Just writing this makes me feel the pressure all over again. I can go back further in my history and connect the dots for other TMS issues, but this time period was acute, unlike any other. My mind started a full invasion to distract me during a devastating time.

It started with noticing two lumps in my groin. My lymph nodes were the size of golf balls. Ultrasounds confirmed that they were functioning but inflamed. They are still swollen today. Next, my right leg began to swell. This was shortly after my father passed away. With the help of fear inducing websites and my own brilliant incompetence, I connected the swelling to the lymph nodes. It was painful to sit. The swelling never went away. I had pain in my hip and right buttocks. Down the outside of my hip the tendon along the hip bone was tender. I feared I had lymphedema. No Doctor could confirm or diagnose. No one had answers. I wore medical support hose everyday and managed.

Then my husband got a job in Florida. During the whole moving process my pain was excruciating. I had days when no relief could be found, standing, sitting lying down, massage, nothing helped. We had an MRI done and the only thing it told us was what we already knew. Chronic inflammation but no cause detected.

I had to have steroid injections just to make the long drive to our new home in Florida; and when I arrived in Florida the search for a new Doctor began.

I finally met a vascular surgeon that diagnosed me with Insufficient Vein Syndrome. Basically he said my Iliac vein was compressed and was backing up causing the swelling and pain in my right leg. This sounded like the answer! I was so excited to have a doctor finally confirm that something was wrong. He recommended placing a stent in the iliac. I was reassured that my leg would be back to its original shape in days. AMEN!

Nothing changed. My leg is still swollen. The pain settled into a low hum. I was devastated. I waited 9 months and on the Doctor's recommendation we were going to open the stent to see if that would help. However, the night before the procedure I decided to STOP! Something just didn't seem right. My life was better, not perfect, but I just didn't think the surgery would help. I decided to ignore my leg. To be honest I was obsessed for over 3 years with my leg. I measured it weekly. I bought clothes to hide it. I sat in comfy chairs, I did exercises just for my leg. My leg, my leg, my leg! I was sick of my leg.

Two weeks after this major decision to ignore my leg, ( I didn't even know what TMS was at this time.) I instantly developed plantar fasciitis IN BOTH FEET. I was told it was part of the Florida lifestyle: Tile floors and flip flops.
I was in my own personal prison for 6 months! I LOVE SHOES! Wedges, open toe sling-backs, flats, I had them all. But the pain left with a single pair of orthopedic shoes that I had to wear everyday. My heart was broken. On top of that I had physical therapy three times a week. I bought every device and gimmick that promised relief. I stretched 5 times a day. I never took a step without my shoes on. I rested, iced and soaked my feet. Any advise given I would try. I was desperate.

Then 2 months after I began my new Plantar Pain life style. I heard a pop! I threw my back out while innocently bending over to pick up a piece of trash off the floor. I felt like a piece of trash. What is going on with my body? Clearly I have stubbled into some unknown decease that was slowly killing me.

Laying flat on my back gave me plenty of time to reflect, think, and scour the internet. Enter: John Stossle and his interview with Dr. Soros.
I watched the video. I began to talk to my back. Three days later I was up and walking again.

But I still had Plantar. I had no idea they were connected. But I was on the right path.

I began to ask the question, "Could this all be psychosomatic?"

I knew it was psychosomatic but I had no idea where to get help, no one had answers. I considered counseling, but I had no idea where to start. Then I found the book by Ozanich...(sp)
I began a whole new adventure. Everything started to come together, and many things fell apart.

I never realized how vast my appetite was for eating anger and frustration. I was a hoarder of bad memories and repressed feelings. Slowly over the years I had unknowingly become a tension filled, fearful, angry mom and wife. I had no joy. I did my duty and played my role.
I buried my truth. I hid it deep in my heart.